The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Saturday, July 20, 2013

I know I haven't written a blog in a while now.  I have been struggling very hard with this and that is ANGER!!!

     I am struggling with getting angry inside  myself to express my feelings of what my abusers did to me.  I need to release this anger and not hold it in. But it is something that is very hard for me to do.  I have just started to try screaming, and even though I thought it was loud, it probably could have been louder. Doing this I actually felt like I am betraying or disrespecting my parents.

     But, I need to do this for me, we all do, we can't hold it inside of us, because then we are not completely healed.  We may think we are but it comes right back to bite us in the ass.  Our lives are important.  We made it through those horrific times, we are survivors and I am now trying to reach to becoming a thriver.  So if I want to do that I have to let that anger release itself from inside of me.  

     Anger holds us prisoner, sometimes it can consume us so much that we can't really find our happiness.  On the outside it looks like we are fine, have reached the top, but in reality, we are still struggling inside ourselves.  

     I have tried to for-go this struggle with anger, tried to shrug it off, but you know, it just never goes away.  Deep down in the pit of your stomach it sits.  Waiting for an eruption to come. 

     I was always taught and told to be quiet, and only speak if spoken to.  Heaven help me if I raised my voice, because then there would be a slap coming.  So, I held everything in.  All my thoughts were mine, I couldn't share them with anyone.  How many times I wished I could share them, but I was too afraid. My Grandma (on my mother's side) was the only one I felt that cared for me.   She gave me hugs, she told me she loved me, but I couldn't share my thoughts with her, I was too afraid.  My anger stayed inside and has never been expressed much, even today, yes I can get angry, but not in the sense where using it makes me feel any better, it just makes me feel worse.  So again I hold it inside.

     We get caught up in our lives and don't give ourselves time to see that we need to be there for ourselves.  I have never really been there for me.  Always there for someone else, and I like that, I like to be able to help others.  But I  need to step back, and look at me, and see that I am important to myself.  This is something that is very hard for me to handle.  I was never important, and even today, I still feel that way deep inside.
I feel what I do is important to help others, but that's about it.  Helping myself is hard, but by going to therapy, that I did do for myself, because I wanted all the garbage gone, so I guess this is one part that is left that I need to work at, until another part comes up. 

Mary Graziano ©
July 20, 2013



Anonymous said...

After reading this, I think we should all get together and dance wildly, sing at the top of our lungs, make lots of noise to honor everytime we were told to be quiet or not tell.....

Blessings to you, dear one!

Mary Graziano said...

rescuinglittlel, thank you for your comment, I think you are right. :)


Oh do I ever recognize myself in this Mary.

Mary Graziano said...

Hugs Viga

Mary Graziano said...

Hugs Viga

Patricia Singleton said...

Mary, You wrote this blog post back in July 2013. It is what we talked about just yesterday. You need to feel your anger. I know how fearful that can be. I was afraid that if I let my anger out, I would hurt or maybe even kill someone because it felt so big and dangerous inside of me. I still had the idea inside of me that anger equaled violence. It doesn't have to be violent. You are not being disrespectful to your parents if you let out your anger. You are disrespecting and abandoning yourself if you hold it in and don't let it out. You can also create health problems for yourself if you hold it inside. I know that I still have silent screams inside of me that I have never let out. I don't know how to begin. I used to think that if I could go out in the woods all by myself and just scream that I could get it all out. Another part of me is too afraid to try. I have had dreams of trying to scream and nothing comes out of my mouth. As I was writing this, I was thinking it might be time to do another painting called Silent Screams. I haven't done any painting on feelings since the 1990's when I did a series of 5 of them trying to get in touch with what I was feeling. Ask Michal if painting your anger might help you get in touch with it. Just a thought.

Mary Graziano said...

Pat, my dear friend, thank you, and I know you are right as is everyone who is telling me I need to get it out of me. It seems so foreign to me to do this. You're right about disobeying and abandoning myself, I think that is what I am doing. Somehow I have to let it out, but it just doesn't seem right to me. I'm so so frustrated. <3