The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Saturday, November 16, 2013

My Impact Statement to My Mother:

You adopted me at the age of 6 months. Mom you were so cruel, how could you slap a 6 month old baby hard across the face and leave your hand print on my face because you had to show me who was boss? I WAS A BABY FOR F**K SAKE. You would tell this story over and over to me and my kids when they were teens, and you laughed about it. All because I wouldn't open my mouth when I saw the spoon coming? You said you made the food every meal, and every meal I would do this. Did you ever think that there may have been a reason for this? I was in foster homes since birth, who knew what may have happened. But after that slap you said I opened my mouth from that day forward. Wow, wonder why?

Mom I guess you had all the answers didn't you? But did you know what your husband and cousin were doing to me? The many nights after you went to bed, how he came into my room and fondled me all over. He should have been in your bed doing that to YOU NOT ME!!!! So many things you didn't know Mom...How he told me one night to come into my room, and pull my pants down, Ii was a teen then, but very gullible, and did as I was told. He then said that he wanted to make sure no boy had touched me inside, so he put his fingers deep inside me, moving them around, I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT, IT HURT SO BAD.. Did I tell you? NO!!!! BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME. 

And you!!! Why couldn't you ever say you loved me? Why couldn't you ever hug me? To this day I don't ever remember a hug from you, an I love you. Nothing. And yet you said I was special because you adopted me. What a joke that was. You were the dictator, and I had to obey like a robot. Controlled me by what clothes I wore to school, how long my dress had to be when all the other girls had short skirts, mini skirts back then, but no I had to have them down below my knees. Do you know how much that hurt me inside, knowing others were making fun of me?

Were you ever proud of me? I doubt it, you never came to my high school graduation, I went with my best friend and her parents. Getting my diploma was so important to me because I wasn't very smart in school and it took me 2 extra years to finish high school, is that why you both didn't come? 

You never let me express my opinions about ANYTHING, If I tried I got hit, why? were you afraid I might say something that you wouldn't like? No Mom Ii wouldn't do that, I'm not like you in anyway. I hurt deep inside, because you didn't care, or take the time with me to show me you cared. WHAT DID I DO TO EVER DESERVE THIS SHIT? WHY? why would you be so mean when I was only 3 and woke up and had an accident in my panties. You told your cousin that you were going to teach me a lesson, you took my panties off and rubbed poop in my face, and he asked if you were going to clean it up and you said no, so he did. I don't remember this, I guess my mind has blocked it out, but when you told and my kids this story, you laughed, and thought it was funny again. YOU ENJOYED TELLING THESE THINGS TO ME, WHY??? What did I ever do that was so wrong? 

All I ever wanted were hugs from you and hearing the words I Love you, but Mom I will never hear them now because you have been dead 7 years. Who helped to look after you when you were so sick? I never complained once, I did it because I did care, and hated seeing you suffer, even then you never said thank you. Was it so hard to do??? I sit here in tears writing this statement to you, because I just wanted to feel loved by you and by dad, but it never happened. I will never know whether you loved me or not, NEVER, and that hurts inside, you killed my spirit when I was young, but now, I have said what needed to be said, You took my voice away never allowing me to use it, but guess what, IM USING IT NOW, USING IT TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL, USING IT TO HELP OTHER KIDS WHO ARE BEING ABUSED, AND HOPING I CAN SET THEM FREE. You have no control over me anymore mom, I have control now, and guess what, even though I am in tears, it feels good, to be ME!!!!!!

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