As survivors of childhood abuse, we often think that we are now free from our nightmares. How so very wrong this is. WE can go along for a long time and think that we are "nightmare free", then all of a sudden, we go to bed, fall asleep and it starts all over again. It feels so wrong, so crippling. We are caught by the demons of the night. Abusing us all over again, we can't struggle to free ourselves, we are in it for the duration of the horrible nightmare, we can't escape, the demons have won.
These nightmares are so very real, grabbing hold of our very being our very soul, reliving the past, the abuser again sabotaged our lives. When we awake, we are frightened, we are feeling trapped again crying out for help, to be rid of the demons that destroyed us once before and are now trying to destroy us again,
little by little, piece by piece.
I had these nightmares two nights in a row. Last night I chose to stay awake because I was afraid of the consequences of what might happen. I didn't want to face the demons of the night again and couldn't let them win again.
Why do we let them control us? Even in our sleep? We need to take a deep look inside ourselves, and help ourselves to realize that "it's just a nightmare, it can't hurt us." Oh how many times I have said that to a victim and survivor. We can't let the demons control our lives day in and day out.
Looking deep into myself, I need to tell myself I am not that little girl any more, he can't control me now. That little girl is all grown up. Tell my inner child that we are now one, that together we are stronger than the demons, that we have the say as to who controls our body, our mind. It is up to us. By doing this we can become strong, we will see that the demons can't hurt us any more. I was devastated that I had these nightmares. I didn't think as a survivor that I would have these nightmares again and again, that they were gone never to return.
Even as a survivor we are still healing, still climbing to the top of that mountain. We will struggle with different aspects of our abuse, but we have the control now, not the demons that try and overtake our nights. I realize now how wrong I was, to put myself down, that I wasn't strong enough to face these nightmares, but I am strong enough, I have the control, just didn't see it. At the time my inner self and I are one. Together we can stand tall, we have the control.
written by Mary Graziano