The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Memories Still Do Hurt

     My inner child is hurting.  Reliving memories and not knowing who she is.  How often is she going to be hurting. How much longer? I feel her hurt so much.  The memories are coming up and are not pleasant.  Going through the memories with her is so hard to do.  I just want it to be over and done with.  Thinking that I would be free from all of this.  That I have moved passed this.  But it seems when you are in a safe place, you get hit hard, and shot down again.  The monsters have awoken, to try and take back your life.  My life right now is not mine, but I won't let it consume me, I can't.  I have worked too hard to get where I am now, and I WILL  NOT stay stuck in the past.  I don't belong there and I know I have to revisit it, but that is all. This is what I keep telling myself.   

     How do we help our inner child see that these memories need to come up to the surface?  How do we tell her it will be okay, when in reality she is hurting so much inside, and not listening.  Her spirit has been crushed again.   She feels that for some part it is still her fault.  Oh how I keep saying no, it's not my fault, I was not to blame.  Why won't she listen?  All this is going through my head, all the feelings, all the thoughts, all the visions from the memories are reeling inside my head.  Abuse grabs a hold, and will always be a part of us.  That is why it is so important to keep advocating reaching out to as many people as we can, so another child does not have to live like this.  

How does a child of 6 know how a baby is made?  How?  That is not normal!!!  What happened that I knew that?   It makes me sick inside to think of the possible answers.  But communicating with our inner child is so important.  She/he needs to know that they really are safe now, that the bad monster that hurt them is now gone, never to return.  We need to gain trust again when our inner child is going through a memory/trigger.  We need to tell them they are loved and we will always be there for them.  

     We feel the shame inside us, but that shame we have to remind ourselves~our inner child that it is not their shame, it is the abusers and only the abusers.  How many times do we feel guilty?  I know I have, and even still feel it sometimes when reliving the past.  I have to remind myself that I have nothing to feel guilty over.  I was a child, and for most of the time it works, but sometimes that guilt plagues me and won't let go.  That is when my inner child feels it also, and the two of us are lost inside.  Guilt is a feeling, we feel that guilt when we think about what happened to us and that maybe in the back of our minds we say, "maybe I did something to cause this."  I have to remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong, how could I, a child only obeys their parents, because that is what we were taught.  We had to obey no matter what happened.  Trying to put this all into perspective is hard when I am dealing with the memories/triggers of the past.  I know and believe these things.  I am told this by friends.  So then why can't I get over all of it? Why does my inner child still have to hurt, rehash all that happened, face new memories?  All a healing process, and in order to heal, I know we have to relive again, sometimes not for a long time, and we can move forward and the past stays locked behind the door, but sometimes that door gets busted down again, and we say "here we go again."

     I am trying so hard to reach inside and hold my inner child, but right now she doesn't want to be held, she doesn't want to be talked to.  It's like a child who has just been scolded and wants nothing to do with the parent.  That is the sense I am feeling.  I am going to just have to wait, tell her everyday softly, that she is safe, that I love her, and hopefully she will come around, and again trust me, and with that trust we can break free of this memory and put it back where it belongs once acknowledged, behind the door lock it again, so it can't hurt us.

     You know writing this, I am sitting here thinking of the poor child who right this instant is being abused in some way.  It hurts me so much because I know how much this is going to have an affect on their life.  All what I went through, other survivors went through, they are going to be going through it also.  I don't want that!!!! I want them to be able to be a child.  To be able to run free, play free, be free, be happy and most importantly feel love for themselves and from those around them.  Something I didn't get growing up.  That important hug, the words "I love you," they might as well have been a foreign language to me.  It hurt so much and this still hurts me today, remembering that those words were never said to me.  That the hugs I never got, except from my father, and those were the wrong kinds of hugs.  No child should have to live this way.  I will not stop being an advocate against child abuse.  Too many little souls need us ~


9 comments:

Patricia Singleton said...

Love you, Mary. Did you know that all of your poetry comes from your inner child? (((Hugs))) Each time you face your fears, you become stronger.

Mary Graziano said...

Pat, love you too my friend, thank you. You know I never thought of it that way. Thank you.<3

Nikky44 said...

Thank YOU <3

Mary Graziano said...

You're very welcome Nikky44 <3

Jean Marie said...

Thank you for posting! I need to connect more with my inner child. I am still afraid of her. I hold her at a distance. But I dont want to be closer to her, it is too scary.... I just wrote about how we are so full of guilt after our abuse here.. http://breakinggenerationalchains.blogspot.com/2014/03/childhood-development-in-backwards.html

Mary Graziano said...

Jean Marie~
You are very welcome. Being close to our inner child and understanding her is our way of healing inside of us. We have to let her know that she is now safe, that no one can hurt her anymore. Keeping her safe, and making her feel safe, makes us feel that we can move forward in our healing, otherwise we are stuck in the past. Don't be afraid of her, she is hurt by what happened to her in the past. She is a part of you, and by keeping her at a distance you are keeping yourself stuck in the past. Hugs, I hope you can connect with her.

Jean Marie said...

Thank you Mary, I think you are right.. This sounds right...

Mary Graziano said...

Hugs Jean, if you look inside my blog you will find many posts/poems about my inner child. Most the poems earlier are all on my abuse. Helps me heal. <3

Jean Marie said...

Thank you I found this poem you wrote.

http://nippercats.blogspot.com/2014/05/child-inside-i-have-tiny-child-inside.html#links

It is beautiful!!

I finally blogged about the inner child work I have been doing... It has been a long time coming....

http://breakinggenerationalchains.blogspot.com/2014/05/letting-pain-go.html