The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Sunday, April 13, 2014






WE NEED TO HAVE HOPE~ 

 Being a survivor from incest, physical and emotional, and sexual abuse by another really kicks you in the gut at times. Come back to bite you real hard even when it comes to you in a dream, and you know it can’t hurt you ever again.

It is just a dream, and you tell yourself this, but sometimes it just stays in the back of your mind, and as days go by the memories come back to haunt you all over again. This has been going on with me lately, dreams of the past, dragging me down again. I hate it, and just want it to all go away and leave me alone to live my life without the past seeping in through the cracks. But I am told that it is the way to continue to heal, and that didn’t make any sense to me. I thought I was healed, I thought I had finished with all the ugly shit that had taken hold of me years ago like a constrictor squeezing me tight, squeezing the life out of me. Now it’s back? Sure doesn't feel like healing to me, but talking with other advocates who are fabulous friends of mine, Michal, Trish, Pat, Deb, Ebele, they all told me the same thing, we have to go through the bad crap at times in order to continue healing.

 I was getting so frustrated with myself I was ready to explode inside, because I hold it all inside when at home, so not to upset hubby. I felt I would be able to get over it in a few days like I always do, but this time not at all. It is hanging on clinging like a little child does who is afraid of something and won’t let go. I continued to hide how I felt to my friends, put on my happy face at work, and hoped no one would notice. But I was told by my friends online, that they could tell, something was eating away at me. I guess I’m not as good at hiding things, even when I try to seem cheery to everyone.

 Healing is not easy, and I think that we will all keep healing and never be completely healed. Triggers are always going to be there, and it depends on how we handle those triggers. We can get through them, and most of the time we will succeed, and continue on with our day to day lives, but as I found out, sometimes the monster grabs hold, and it is so hard to let go. We need to be gentle with ourselves, with our inner child, she/he is still hurting inside when these triggers, memories, dreams come knocking at our door, that little child in us becomes afraid again, and we have to be able to tell her/him that everything will be ok, but WE ourselves need to really believe that, because if we aren't honest with ourselves, how can we be honest to that little child inside of us.

 There is always hope, hope gives us something to grab onto. Hope is that courage to fight, fight those demons that want to still control us, but we are survivors/warriors, and we can now fight back, and move on with our lives. Hope is the belief we have in ourselves that we CAN move forward, we CAN tell our inner child that it IS going to be okay and they are safe, NO ONE CAN HURT US ANYMORE!!!

HOPE
Hope is God’s 
Unconditional love 
Whispering to you, 
To press forward 
Like the butterfly 
On their long 
Dauntless journey. 

Hope is courage 
Giving you the will 
To fight the depths 
Of your inner self, 
Freeing your mind 
Of any negativity 
Creeping slowly in. 

Hope transcends all 
Barriers that come 
Into your life, 
Giving you the reason 
To keep going, no time 
To waste on
 ~ I CAN’T ~ 

Hope is all the love 
That embraces you, 
From others who care, 
Bringing you a feeling 
Of overwhelming peace 
Calmness that helps 
Rejuvenate your spirit. 

Hope is perseverance 
Inspiration you give 
To others, relaying 
A message to 
Never give up 
No matter the obstacle, 
Michal and I will never lose Hope. 

Mary Graziano© 
March 19, 2014
Watercolour art and title "Hope"
By Michal Madison© “I will never lose Hope” by Michal Madison www.MichalMadisonArt.com/galleries.html

2 comments:

Debbie said...

What is that we always tell others Mary? "There's always HOPE". And there is my dear, dear friend. Hope is that little glimmer of light way down deep inside you that flickers and sways but never goes away. You look deep down inside to your soul and you will find Hope always. Love you Mary.

Mary Graziano said...

Deb my dear friend, thank you so much, that is why I put Michal's painting and my poem with this post. Yes there has to be hope,I'm trying so hard to keep looking way down inside, hurts like hell to get there, but It has to happen. <3 Love you too ....