Our inner child is that small child inside each of us left behind, too afraid to be her/his self. Abuse stole the abilities for us to really play. To be ourselves. We held back. Giving in to the demands of our abuser. Knowing that our lives were no longer ours. We hid in the background in the deep abyss of our souls.
On the outside, I pretended that all was great within my life. But deep inside, I felt empty. My inner child was lost. The only time I felt a little bit of reprieve was being outside with my friends. There I was able to play. I was free from the clutches of my abusers. Away from the verbal assaults and the physical pain of the hitting that I had to endure.
My inner child was able to have some hours of fun. But, once inside the house she hid away. Refusing to come out. My somber look took over my expressions.
Our inner child is sensitive, delicate. Needs to feel love. To know that their feelings matter in order to feel alive. When those feelings are "shot down," not being able to speak and be heard, only told to "shut up," of course they will shut down. Becoming invisible. Crawling deep inside the abyss where they feel safe from the hurtful words, physical attacks and of course, definitely from incest and sexual abuse.
We were children and as children had no rights according to our abusers. We fell silent. Giving in to what the abuser did and wanted from us. We felt guilty, ashamed, crying ourselves to sleep at night. Hoping and praying that no-one came into our rooms. Our inner child was frozen in time not able to move on.
As we became adults, that little girl or boy is still there, waiting, but no-one listens. Stuck inside an "adult world." If we haven't connected with her/him, they are still hiding away in the shadows of our soul. Afraid and alone. We continue on with our lives, but the past is still attached to our subconscious. Even though we may think that we are free from it all. But through our actions, not even really knowing it, we are hurting. We may revert to drug use, etc. Our world was shattered and by acting out or hiding inside ourselves, that was our way of sorting through our feelings.
For myself, I chose to be a quiet person. Holding my feelings inward. Too afraid to show them or act upon them. I knew the consequences if I did something and got caught doing it. That is how afraid I was of my mother. Now, I can speak, I don't have to hide in fear. I have started reconnecting with my inner child. She is showing her true colours. She has survived. Now can come out and play freely outside that "box" so to speak. Sometimes there is resistance from her, but by speaking softly, telling her the past is now gone, she realizes she is now safe. She watches with interest seeing that it is a safe environment to venture forward.
Coming together as one is instrumental in our own healing journey. I hope that this blog post can help others understand that little child that may be hiding inside of you, afraid and alone, is free to explore outside of the deepest part of your soul. Into the light. Into a world that was hidden from her/him
for so many years ~
Mary Graziano ©
June 2, 2014