The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Forgiveness



I have watched this video over and over again, and it is so true, to forgive ourselves is to move on. But it is something that is so hard to do, we find it easier to forgive others and not ourselves. "To let go of the past, to forgive one-self is to heal one-self". You know, hearing that, I know it's the right thing to do, but I can't seem to let go even though hanging onto it keeps the hurt and pain deep inside you, and there is no way you can move on. Negative energy and hurt from the past only keeps the pain alive.

Why is it so hard to move on? Why can't we see that agonizing over this only hurts us more? I find it a hard question to answer.

I have gone over this while in therapy, I know that when my therapist tells me these things, that she is right. But it just eats away at you. You can't seem to let go. It eats away at your mind, at your soul, never letting you forget.

Is it the depression that makes you think this way? Is it because you feel some sort of guilt? Maybe you did something wrong to cause it. I find my demons are stronger than I am. I feel like giving up at times, but I don't want to give up, I want to fight and I will fight as long as I can. We can't let depression beat us, because if we do we will never be able to forgive ourselves, to come out from behind the shadow, the shadow that keeps us hidden and scared.

This is a continuation of how I feel, of my depression. Today at work I tried so hard to keep my mind busy, the kids made me laugh at school, and I did smile and for a moment I did forget, and I was in the present. The thoughts were gone just a few precious moments, and it felt good, but then the shadow came back and I was once again hiding behind it, my mask was in place once again. FORGIVENESS is the key to all this, we have to try and forgive ourselves, to love ourselves and maybe, just maybe the mask will slowly unveil itself, and we can finally be set free............

1 comment:

Lynn said...

I seem to have the most problems with depression when I am not forgiving of myself (and ONLY myself). For me, one of the worst problem was that I had never been allowed to be angry with those who abused me and to realize that they were responsible for what they did. The blame had to go somewhere, so it came to me. Maybe that's just the way things are.

Then, I also had the problem of this gem: "Well, if I am angry at other people for things they have done wrong, then I must be angry at me as well for anything I have done wrong."

Well, that turned out to not be true. I have drawn a line in my life. I owe nothing to those who abused me. Nothing at all. AND I can forgive myself, and ONLY myself, for hurtful mistakes. I don't owe that to anyone else. If they want forgiveness, then they must forgive themselves, too. It wouldn't really help them coming from me anyway, so why should I abandon my own inner child by lavishing forgiveness on her tormentors? Why should I put someone else's pain ahead of my own? It was doing that that messed up my adult life in the first place. Having abusive parents or other caretakers literally brainwashes a person to abandon themselves like that and to forgive ANYTHING that other people do to them.

I can forgive myself because I know that I am a good person and the things I have messed up in my life were because I had been so horribly abused that I was barely able to keep together any semblance of a life and a lot of things got past me. I don't care about the 'why' of it on the part of my abusers. That is for them to sort out. I've decided that I am in this for ME. I owe them nothing and nothing is exactly what they will get out of me. They can rot for all I care. This is the attitude that finally, after years of having no idea who I really am, years of daily medications, etc... has finally brought me closer to myself and closer to freedom. I still have a way to go, but I'm determined to get there. You sound like you are, too.

I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mary. I hope you find the right path for you. I knew I had found mine when I stopped calling myself names like "garbage". Maybe when something is really working for you, you will notice some change, too? I hope so. I wish you the best. You deserve that, you know.