The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Monday, May 5, 2008


Shadow of a sitting person

May 5-11 Is Canadian Mental Health Week


I slip behind my shadow
To hide, to melt away,
No-one else can see me
Who cares its just that way.

I often feel the loneliness
That I carry around inside
The feelings are so vivid
I try so hard to hide.

My mind is filled with images
I try to see the good,
But I'm hiding behind my shadow
Because I am often mis-understood.

This is how I feel. I try to think of the positive, but depression often takes over. You go to work and try to hide the sadness you feel. You smile, and laugh, but you are just hiding how you really feel. Depression takes over.

I suffer from depression and I am not ashamed to say it. I was diagnosed with severe depression 8 years ago, but I know that I had it for many years before that. Now, again, I see the silent face of depression. The "gray area of life." It has come back to haunt me.

People who see you daily, your co-workers, friends, and sometimes even your family do not see the real you. I have learned how to hide it, I have learned little tricks so that no-one can see the torment I feel inside. People do not understand depression, it is a stigma, "stay away from her" she's depressed. She's a "nut case."
You see, depression has no face, you cannot really see it. It is an invisible illness for the most part and often masks its-self as something else.

Sometimes people can see the signs if
they are looking for it. Your family, if they know you are depressed can often see it. There can be visible signs like staying in your bed, emotional signs, crying, screaming, but the other signs, the silent ones that you feel in your head, only you know what they are, only you can feel them, only you can see them, no-one else.

Often a person that you would never suspect of having a mental illness is the person who does. It is like hiding behind a mask, you do not want to take it off because if you do the real you would be seen.

People with depression often suffer alone, by themselves.
Often you try to be strong, but deep inside your feelings are playing havoc, you feel that it is somehow your fault for what has happened in your life, that you yourself caused it. I struggle with this everyday, always thinking that somehow it is my fault no-one else's. I am to blame for how I feel. Day after day it is a struggle to survive, always thinking when or how will it ever end?

I am that someone who hides behind my shadow, hoping that I can erase the images and go on. But it is not easy. Easy to say but hard to do.

The stigma of mental illness is not the same as a person having another illness. People do not understand, they think it is all in your head, that yo
u can just snap out of it and get on with your life. Well, I wish that were true, because if it was then I would not be talking about it right now. I would be able to get on with my life and leave it behind. I do not think it ever really goes away. It is a very scary illness for the person who has it and a very REAL illness. Maybe people are afraid of the word DEPRESSION, maybe that is why they do not really understand what we are going through or maybe they do not want to understand, but because of this stigma, the depressed person hides, and does not often seek medical help.

Seeking professional help often helps either by being given medication, or going to therapy. I have done both and am still taking medication and I am still in therapy. I have a wonderful therapist who is so understanding and has helped me so much.

I am not ashamed of who I am, I am just trying to deal with my emotions, my inner feelings, my inner self, trying to deal with the shadow that I hide behind. Hopefully someday,
I hope to come out from behind that shadow and show the people around me that I am just an ordinary person, that I am someone who suffers from an illness, an illness called DEPRESSION..

If you know someone who is depressed comfort and support them, let them know that you are there for them, to help them in any way that you can. Do not fear them. Do no let them hide behind their shadow or mask, do not let them slip away, guide them along the way to seek the help they need. Help them to hold their head up high. Let them know that it is alright to have this illness called depression, that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I think that is one of the biggest reasons we hide, and only show our true self to people w
e know who are caring and understanding.

I will from time to time come back to this subject and let you know how I am doing. But for now I am still hiding behind my shadow.......


Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

Thanks for stopping by at my blog. :-)

I just ADORE your virtual Nipper Cat.

In the States, it's Mental Health Awareness Month, but you don't hear much about it in the mainstream media. :-( Something has to give, and unfortunately it's us.

Hope to get to know you more.

Warm regards,
Michelle aka The Beartwinsmom

Mary said...

Hi Michelle: Thanks for stopping by, Yes even here you don' really hear much about it. And thats the shame of it, if people were more aware then maybe they would treat people with depression or any mental illness in a more positive way, thanks again. Will be stopping by your blog often..all the best Mary

Leslie said...

What a great post. Thank you for sharing!! I also have been diagnosed and you are right when you say that people often don't see the real you!

This was a very inspiring post to read. Thanks again

Mary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KatM said...

Very well said. It definitely mirrors the way I've been feeling.

Gayle Jervis said...

My daughter has been treated for depression these past five years and she was getting increasingly worse. However, recently she has been seeing a doctor who specializes in environmental medicine. He has told her that much of her problem is due to so much lead and cadmium in her body! While he is treating her, he has put her on an elimination diet. We are absolutely thrilled to see her depression lift as she no longer eats dairy and food with gluten and food with MSG. I can only hope that trying such a diet might help you since I know first hand how devastating this illness can be.