Monday, May 19, 2008
A Lightning Bolt
Well today I left to go home after spending 4 days with my grandkids. They were great, and for the most part I felt pretty good, on the outside anyway. It's crazy, but sometimes I can totally be fine, and then zap, it's like a bolt of lightning hit me and the sadness and hopelessness comes thundering into my head. What makes this happen? Tears that want to be shed are locked away and never begin to flow. Feeling the emptiness inside, and the loneliness one feels because you are crying on the inside so no-one can see you or feel your sadness. Emotions that are locked away because there is nothing that can be done to bring them out.
When you are angry, you can usually vent so the anger repairs itself and is forgotten and done with. But sadness just stays, for the most part, it doesn't move, it sits and rots away in your mind. But it needs to be void of its power that it has over you. Combatting this means doing the exact thing that you don't want to do, like visiting your friends, being happy, getting out of the house. Instead of doing the obvious, I want to stay in bed, shut my eyes, leave this world, so there is no more pain, no more sadness.
I want to go back to the beginning, erase the past, and start all over again. But I can't go back in time, I have to move on. Oh yes!!! move on, that's easier said than done. Everyone tells you "move on, forget it, let it be" sure for the ones who do not suffer from depression or other mental illnesses, that's easy to say. Moving on to forget, to live for the present and the future, not to live in the past. But you can't just say that to a person who is depressed, because moving on is not as easy as it seems.
I do the everyday thing I do because I have to, not because I want to. I get up, go to work, put on my happy face, tell everyone who asks that I feel great, when in reality I feel the opposite.
You are told in therapy, be kind to yourself, love yourself.
Trying to be kind to yourself, to nurture You....is not easy, how do you love yourself when all you feel is hatred, either because you feel that you are too weak of a person to fight this demon, or because you don't know HOW to nurture yourself. I mean, how often do we tell ourselves, "Hey me, I love you, you are a wonderful person" Ya right, for me, I wouldn't believe myself if I did say that.
I sit here typing away, with the sadness in me that no-one else sees, I sigh, wondering what tomorrow will bring, I know that I will wake up, get up and go to work, put on my happy face, so others see a "happy" me, when in reality I know I will feel the opposite. The bolt of lightening will keep hitting me, sending me into the spiral of depression.
I will continue when I return from work tomorrow...Sleep well my friends, and try not to let the demon of depression take over......Nippercat