The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

FEAR




FEAR

No-one can see the fear she has
Nor the pain within her eyes,
She hides within herself to keep
Her feelings deep inside.

Fear of doing something wrong
Too afraid to use her voice,
She closes her eyes and finds a place
That's hers, it is her choice.

Safe from the fear of hurting words
Safe from all abuse,
Safe to hold herself and cry
But the demons are all still loose.

The biting words, the worthlessness
Makes her cringe deep down inside,
Like a vice, it squeezes life from her
With tears she wants to die.

I try to give her comfort
To hold her close to me,
But the pain from all the memories,
Are too strong to set us free.

That little girl inside of me
Faced many fears and doubts,
She cries inside me everyday
"Please let the DEMONS out!!!"

written by Mary G.


WHAT IS FEAR?

Fear is a strong word. The dictionary defines fear as "an emotional response to tangible and realistic dangers. Most fear is usually connected pain of some kind. Fear is a survival mechanism and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus."

I think having fear is something that is distressing, and makes you aware that there is some sort of danger.

Some types of fear can make a person "live in a bubble" because they can't escape this "bubble" out of fear. They are too afraid.

I feared the emotional abuse of my mother. The power and control that she had over me not only when I was a child but into my adult life, up until her death 3 years ago. I can honestly say that I never ever said a bad word to her or spoke back to her. I was never allowed to voice my opinion about anything. I was never allowed to argue with her even if she was wrong. I never did these things because I FEARED her. I had no self-worth. My feelings never mattered, they were unimportant. She controlled my emotions. She controlled my very "being."

I never ever remembered my mother telling me "I Love You" I never heard her use these words to anyone. I don't ever remember saying it back to her ever. I often felt worthless because she would never listen to me...she had control...she had to BE in control......

12 comments:

Clueless said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I could relate to both Fear and Feelings. It also helped me to see how far I've come...it is still really difficult. Oh, don't get me started on my mother...eventually I will blog about it. In someways that is tougher than the sexual abuse...not tougher, just more complicated because she is still in my life.

Dorothy said...

Remember fear is something you can control. Of course not easily, however, it's your choice now. And there is one person who always loves you...God..and many times that alone got me through all my fears. Which I still face.

My blessings, and Gods strength and love to you...thank you so much for sharing. That was a hard post and a powerful poem.

I once told my daughter we can never change the past, however, we can modify and improve the future and change the cycle.... For this I pray you are willing and able to do...

Hugs
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
www.gramology.com

Amanda said...

I am sorry you had such a painful time with your mother.
It is often very easy to feel fear weather it be a physical or mental torture it can quite easily take over your life.
Fear is a big part of my life and has been for many years and sometimes I do take time out from the world and shut myself in my house because of it.
Sometimes it is important to remember people express their love in very different ways and you can't always understand it but they do.

Wanda's Wings said...

This is so well spoken. Thank you for visiting my blog

Kahless said...

Emotional abuse can have such a big impact, I know.

So when your mother died, was it a relief or something else?

Elizabeth Maynard Schaefer, Ph.D. said...

Hi Mary,
Thanks for visiting my blog -- I was delighted to hear you've been getting some reprieve from the weight thing, and especially glad you got it checked out to be sure you're OK.

Your poetry and prose are very moving... I hope that the writing process helps you a lot (I am guessing it does, since you write often)and that you have at least a couple of supportive people around you as you work on these scary issues. I send you good thoughts.
-- Beth Schaefer

April_optimist said...

I wish so much that you had had a mother who could see what a wonderful person you are! I wish so much you had been loved--for you deserved that love. I hope...that now you can begin to love YOU. One thing that helped me was to imagine a safe place and teaching that scared child inside me how to play and laugh and feel safe NOW.

Wandering Coyote said...

Hi Mary,

I thought I'd stop by to say hello and thank you for leaving a comment over at my blog. I'll add your site to my google reader so I can keep up to speed. I appreciated your post further down about your struggle with depression.

healandforgive said...

Mary,

Your poetry is very powerful and profound. You have the rare ability to eloquently capture the pain, fear, and feelings of the "abused child" within all of us in a very healing and validating fashion.

Thank you for sharing your touching words!

Blessings on your continued journey,
Nancy

Katie's Blog said...

Hi, thank you for visiting my blog. My T and I were just talking about fear last night. What I fear, what I don't...what the little girl me feared, what rachel fears, etc. I think my childhood fear is held by someone else. I fear losing the people I love mostly, or losing T. My T is very big on expressing feelings and feelings we've tried to escape from forever. Mostly if someone asks how I feel I say "I don't know." You express yourself well. I enjoyed your blog. I'll come back to visit. :)

jumpinginpuddles said...

thanks for visiting us will leave more of a comment shortly

Lynn said...

You certainly have captured the feeling of fear very well. My mother had too much influence during adult years, too. And to top it all off, she bought a house eleven doors down from me (and I was the one who sold it to her - what was I thinking?). It was very hard to have her for a neighbor and she continued her same old stuff and it had a very terrible effect on my life. It was truly awful. I live on the other side of town now.

{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}