The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Sunday, August 25, 2013

 My Victim Impact Statement to my father who thought it was ok to use me for his pleasures. I am a survivor of incest by my adopted father.
 "Dad, you used me for your own pleasure, at first starting out small, touching and fondling me, then probing your fingers inside of me. Oh how I hated what you did, but I kept quiet because I was afraid if I said anything I wouldn't be believed. Why? Why did you do this to me? Was it because you knew I wouldn't say anything, knowing I was a very quiet solemn, child, afraid to use my voice, you took advantage of that to use me for your f**king pleasure. Why couldn't you just be the dad who gave me the love that I never experienced by my mom. You loved me yes, you took me fishing all the time and I loved that, these were happy times that I enjoyed doing with you. but then there was that evil side to you, who took advantage of my naivety, who climbed into bed with me after I cried when I was about 5, because I thought there was bee in my room.   You came in a said it was a mosquito, then said, " Ill stay with you until you fall asleep." You laid behind me and wrapped you large hands around me, I remember so well how much I hated feeling you against me rubbing yourself against me, then finally after making some sounds you stopped. I had no clue as to why. All I knew is I hated it, It didn't feel right to me.

Why? These whys I know I will never have the answers to, because you are now dead.   You were the only one who showed me love, but dad it was the wrong kind of love. As I got older you became more aggressive, forcing me to lay on the couch while you kissed and touched me all over.  Then there was the horrible degrading, ugly things that you did, forcing me to have anal sex with you. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS, ALL I KNEW WAS THAT IT HURT SO MUCH. Remembering this hurts me now. It was like you were a "Jekyll and Hyde, I HATED WHAT YOU DID.

No one came to my rescue because they didn't know, everyone thought you were the perfect father and husband, kind, loving towards everyone.  If I had told who would have believed me? NO ONE..So I stayed quiet, pretending that everything was ok, but on the inside I was dying, feeling so ashamed, guilty because I thought it was something I did, that I was at fault. You weren't suppose to touch me you weren't suppose to hurt me, you were suppose to be my dad. You were suppose to love me as your daughter, NOT you're play thing. Memories go back as young as 2, but all I know is that something happened, something that was not right.

I carried this inside of me for 45 years, until I got up the nerve to finally tell someone, then my healing began. You didn't know or mom why I was in the hospital 2 times once for 4 months and once for 2 months.  You thought it was because of your granddaughter, when she gave us so much trouble, but it wasn't dad IT WAS YOU!!!! YOU PUT ME THERE, YOU MADE ME SUICIDAL, TAKING STUPID TYLENOL FOR A YEAR, YOU DID IT.
If only I could have told you, but I couldn't, I was to quiet, I had no voice. This is where the abuser wins but guess what. I NOW HAVE A VOICE AND I WILL NOT LET ABUSERS WIN, I WILL BE THE VOICE FOR OTHER CHILDREN SO THAT THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO THEM!!!"
Mary Graziano©

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