I share my blog for everyone. For those who also suffer from Abuse/Incest. I hope that by writing my feelings, my poetry on my abuse as a child, will help and encourage you and to let you know that YOU ARE NEVER TO BLAME FOR WHAT
HAPPENED..We were innocent children, the abuser is always at blame.
Please leave me a comment so I know you were here..thank you. look forward to hearing from you.
Many of us have come a long way in our healing journey. It has been a difficult rough road, with many twists and turns. We persevered. Pushed through the debris, per say. Had many setbacks along the way. In the beginning, we never thought we could make it. Thought of giving up. Why? Because if was easier to give up than pursue what was waiting for us at the end of the rainbow. We cried, were depressed. So many things filled our heads. Questioning our own inner self. Self doubts, hating who we were. Telling ourselves we deserved what happened. We must have asked for it or was a horrible child. Feeling worthless inside ourselves. We held our secret in a vault deep inside our being. So no-one would ever find out our “dark secret.” Maybe your abuser told you if you told he would hurt you even worse. He/she would kill everyone in the family. By saying that, he/she knew you would keep the secret. As a small child, you were scared, so scared. You kept quiet.
A small child. We were. Alone. No-one to turn to. Feeling dirty. Ashamed. This very secret burning in the bit of our stomach. Everyday, we were left wondering when he/she would strike again. When the hitting would start!! When the sexual abuse would begin, hurting us so badly. Not understanding what was happening. So many nights our pillows stained. Tears spewing down our faces. Knowing any moment that door would slowly open, the haunting figure of a monster would stand in the doorway. For me, that was my fear. I would pretend to sleep, covers pulled up close to me, hanging on to them for dear life. Did that stop him? No, he was strong, large hands, pulling the sheets down, reaching for me……So many of us have faced the same thing.
We were not bad. We were children. Innocent. Wishing our lives were different. To be happy, well adjusted. That was not our destiny. For some reason, we had to live through a life of horror. Our world belonged to our abuser. Not able to fight back. We dissociated, thinking of a happy place, where we were free, laughing, playing, Parents who loved us unconditionally.
We were crushed. Beyond hope. For those who believe. Praying to Our Creator. To release us from the bonds of abuse. I know I prayed many times. Never heard from God. As I got older I lost my faith and believed I must have deserved it, that our Creator abandoned me.
As we grew into adults, we led our lives. Some may have taken the low road, drinking, becoming promiscuous, taking drugs etc. Others, like myself held it deep inside. Letting it fester like a volcano ready to explode at any time..And it did. I finally had to let it out. That was the beginning of my healing. I realized, I wasn’t a bad person. I never deserved it, none of it from either parent. The sexual abuse was not my fault. I am a good person. These are the words that help us heal. Our abuser has no control over us any longer. We can say NO to abuse!!! Therapy a God send. You need to find a therapist that is right for you. It may take many attempts to finding the one who understands what you have/are going through. Never give up, keep searching. Interview them. There is one out there just right for you. There are many different types of therapy. The 12 Step Program, has helped so many survivors. I wish I had known about that 20 years ago, but…..
I was lucky to have a wonderful therapist named Cheryl, who understood all I went through. I was with her for 17 years. The day I went in for my appointment, she said to me, “I don’t think you need my help anymore. By what you tell me and what I read on your blog, you have finally gotten your wings. You are helping others.” I had shown Cheryl my blog, where I first started writing about my abuse with poetry. Little did I even think that my poetry would help others in their own healing. It was deep dark poetry about what I went through at that time in my life. Now I write inspirational posts, to let others know they need to be more positive. Cheryl shares my blog with her clients, for them to read and know that they are not alone.
Having a support system is something that will get you through. Either your spouse, or a close friend. Someone you can trust. When I finally told my husband, he stood beside me all the way, never once doubting what I said to him. He didn’t want the details. He believed me one hundred percent. Never doubting.
As you go through your recovery from abuse, have a mindset of positives. Leave the negatives behind. Know that there is a rainbow out there waiting for you to reach it. It takes time, but it will happen. Tell your inner child that she/he is loved. Is safe. Play with your inner child. Colour with them. Read stories to them. Do things that you as a child were never able to do. Your inner child will begin to trust you, will realize that they an come out from the deep abyss. Not needing to hide away any longer. The monster who destroyed their self esteem/your self esteem is not longer able to hold you prisoner in his/her lies and deceits.
So many sexual abuse survivors have shared so many similarities. Know that you are not alone. We share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings. That’s why it’s so important to change your mindset, be more positive as you take your healing steps. You are worth it!!!Don’t ever let anyone make you doubt that. One thing that I realized just within the past few years is that our Creator never left me. He was always there, I just never heard him. I chose to ignore. Creator loves us, and would never abandon us even in our darkest times. There is a reason for everything, even the worst of what we went through. I think for me going through what I did, brought me to where I am today. Helping others with my writing. Inspiring others with positives, uplifting them to believing they too can move forward, leave the past behind. Our past is just that the past. We don’t live there any more. BELIEVE. HOPE. DREAM
Believe in HOPE. Hope is courage. Giving you will. To fight the depths. Of your inner self. Freeing your mind. Of any negativity. Slowly creeping in. Believe in DREAMS. Dreams take you. To another place. Brings hope. For a better tomorrow. Reach for your dreams. It’s possible. To accomplish whatever. You set your mind to. Never give up. Simply. BELIEVE!!!
Prose/watercolour by Mary Graziano Copyrighted April 4, 2016