Your uncaring ways they haunted me
What did I do so wrong?
That you would use me like you did,
Those daunting images are strong.
You took away my self-esteem
You changed my inner self,
You kept me like I was your prize
Like a trophy put on your shelf.
Controlling me, you used me
Like a puppet on a string,
I had to do as I was told
Or face those words that sting.
I find it hard to cleanse the past
Like a wound that just won't heal,
The scars that mar me are so deep
Pent up anger is what I feel.
"I love you" was all I wanted to hear
But those words were never spoken,
Alone and abandoned is how I felt
My heart will be always BROKEN.
written by Mary G.
Even as adults we still feel the sorrow and pain of the past. Trying to come to terms with it is never easy. Years may go by and we still wait for some kind of affirmation and I know for myself I couldn't ask why I didn't get some kind of affirming words and why the words "I love you" were so hard to say. I couldn't verbalize to my parents the words I wanted to say to them, it was too foreign to me. Being adopted, I thought that I would be special because I was "chosen" but that wasn't true at all. I wasn't special. I was just someone that they abused for their satisfaction.
Don't we all have the need to be loved? Don't we need to be held and shown that we belong?
As humans we are programmed for love and protection from someone and when we don't get it, then we try in whatever way possible to receive it.
Stealing our self-esteem breaks us. We crave attention, we crave love, the love that wasn't there. Sometimes we punish ourselves by blaming ourselves, that something must be wrong with us, that our parents or whoever didn't do anything wrong. I feel that way sometimes. I try and comprehend in my mind why things like this happen, why God let it happen? As children were we bad? Or we may think that this is normal behaviour. Maybe this went on in every household. It wasn't spoken about, it was kept quiet.
Now as adults we sometimes can't see or find the truth. It is buried deep inside, too hard to understand. We live our lives not as our true selves but as a part that is missing. A part that we must understand and come to terms with..We must find the other half of us, so that we become whole again, so that we may find love and be loved.....