Tuesday, January 7, 2014
I dont know where to begin here. I am suppose to be fine in my healing from my abuse, but again it has reared its ugly head. The other day was talking with someone about how she has forgiven her mother on her death bed. I started crying, why? Because I think I should forgive my dad? I started feeling guilty that I should forgive him. That I should have told him I forgave him when he was dying. Why does this have to come into my head? Why am I feeling guilty? I can't let this get to me, I have come to far in my healing. How it hits you, when you least expect it. You think everything is going fine as you move on with your life, then something triggers you, and its not the fault of the friend I was talking with at all. I don't blame her one bit. It's just the way things are. It hits you in a way that you least expect it to. I know that if you are not ready to forgive then its ok, and I have been ok with this because I am not ready to forgive him or my mother for what they did to me. But now guilt seems to be hitting me right in the gut. Why? Why is it making me feel guilty? I have not to be guilty about. I didn't do anything wrong but be a good daughter to those who chose to abuse me and not show their love to me. But I was always there for them. In their latter years I was there to help my mother when she was too sick to take care of herself. I would go over and wash her, comb her hair, make sure she was comfortable, sit and talk with her. Never once did she say I love you. When my dad was dying I was there spending the nights for 2 weeks while he was dying because I didn't want him to be alone to die. Why? Why would someone who was a victim of incest want to do this? Is this a sign that I have forgiven him? To me I say no, I just cared, just something inside of me that told me to stay with him. I just don't get it. Last night I had a dream about him. He was standing in front of my bed just looking at me and it give me chills, and a feeling of not being safe. I woke up to and looked around the bedroom and knew it was a dream, so felt some relief over that. Now I feel like shit, now I seem to be seeing old stuff come up again, and I don't want this happening. I am in a good place, and not going back there. I refuse to. The past is gone so get lost past, I don't need you in my life, but you continue to piss me off by triggering me out of the blue.