The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Monday, July 7, 2008

Memories

FLASHBACKS

Piercing words, they hurt so much
Racing through my mind,
A frightened child retreats in fear
Herself she cannot find.

I can't escape the visions
That play deep inside my head,
They never stop re-playing
To be awake is what I dread.

I see a child so tiny
In her crib she cried and cried,
The shape she saw was haunting
In her thoughts it does reside.

So many times I try to shun
The memories I do see,
To hard to fight, I scream inside
Please God, just set me free.

The wholeness inside has been destroyed
She knows not how to fight,
She covers her ears and rocks herself
Her feelings are so contrite.

Reliving all these memories
Constricts your way of life,
It takes away the joy you seek
It cuts through you like a knife.

The solemn look of sadness
Is frozen on her face,
No smile to show some happiness
She just sits and takes up space.

I can't find the rage or anger
To express just how I feel,
They're deep inside and locked up tight
The numbness is just so real.

She doesn't know how to love herself
Hate is what she feels,
No hug to keep her safe at night,
Only fear, when her body he steals.

I mourn so much for myself so small
But I can't reach out to touch
I feel I have deserted her
I want to help so much.

She felt the anguish inside herself
Too much pain, so much distress,
It created a void, no existence
She cringed when he tried to caress.

Too many years to carry
This burden I have inside,
My mind is like a time bomb
There's just nowhere I can hide.

She feels just like a rag doll
To be used and ripped apart,
She wishes for deliverance
To get a fresh new start.

The flashbacks keep repeating
I feel I'll lose my mind,
Can't banish what happened so long ago
To this fate I am resigned.

written by Mary G.


AS adults survivors of child abuse, we often struggle with flashbacks. Flashbacks are recollections from the past. Triggers can bring on a flashback and it can be very distressing. I find it very scary and so real, that I forget that it has happened in the past and is not happening now. The flashbacks are so powerful that I have a hard time letting go, and for me they are there constantly. Trying to be kind to myself is so hard to do, and trying to reach that inner child and tell her that all will be ok, that I am here for her, is also something that I need to practice, because reaching her is so hard to do, and makes me so sad inside. I find the flashbacks keep me trapped and a prisoner in my self. I so much want to be free of them to live a life where I can be happy and know that nothing can ever hurt me again.

18 comments:

Tracy said...

I relate very much with this poem. You have such a wonderful talent expressing thoughts and feelings in ways i can only dream to . Thank you.

Hugs and blessings

Tamara said...

Mary,

Another beautiful and heart-wrenching poem. Flashbacks are very hard to deal with and if you aren't getting a break from it you must be exhausted. I am so sorry. Finding the little girl and loving her is a hard skill to learn. I had to first learn not to hate my little girl, then I had to learn where to find her and since she was usually at the bottom of a dark well, I would start by bringing her a flashlight. It was hard, hard work over years to get to where I could talk to and comfort her. You can get there - I know you can. In the meantime, I am here for you. And, I am sending her hugs to keep her safe at night and lots and lots of love.

Tamara

Tempy said...

You are an amazing poet! Thank you for stopping by my blog, and I look forward to reading more here.

Wellness Writer said...

Mary,
I am so sorry for your pain! Wish there was a way to help!

Susan

Wendy McIntosh said...

Mary, Saw your post on "everyone needs therapy" and connected immediately to having an italian mil with one son. Me too!!!
then I came to your site and here we are again, another connection - adult survivor of sexual abuse.
Do we have the same shoe size too???
Wendy

Hopefulsl said...

Wow, what a poem writer you are. I am feeling real sad for this little girl. I wish i could reach out and run with her and hug her like she would feel that she would be safe forever!! I also want to thank you for all of your comments and support you have given me.
I plan on visiting you more often, of course this is my first time. you do a great job in writing your poems!!!
HUGS and BLESSINGS sent your way..
Love Stacy

healandforgive said...

Mary,

Your poetry often leaves me speechless. Very profound.

Warmly,
Nancy

jumpinginpuddles said...

flashbacks also remind you of what needs to get healed so they stop

Blessed One said...

Mary,
Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving your comment. It obviously prompted me to reciprocate and I'm so glad I did. Your poem is beautiful, chilling and sorrowful all at once and it touched me deeply. I too, am an adult survivor of sexual child abuse. Finally, I've come to the place where it is something that happened to me, but it doesn't define me. And I can honestly say now, that I do love myself, but for a very long time I did not. The scar has faded, but it never truly goes away. I so wish I could hug you, and the little girl within. You're in my prayers. ~ Tracy

Strong & determined said...

Mary,

You express the things I am feeling, but cannot figure out how to say. I really relate to your opening lines about piercing words. My first real memory that came up regarding my abuse was prefaced with the word - touching - like it was spelled out in my mind.

I agree with Tamara. Finding the little girl inside of you is a hard skill to learn. But she is there and needs your love and compassion. I am finding that the more I accept her in my life today, the better I feel.

Sending hugs your way. Thanks for your beautiful poetry!

-Rebecca

Deb said...

Flashbacks are so unpredictible and unnerving. Whenever they occur just keep telling yourself that this is now and that was then.

Sandy said...

Excellent writing.

Hopefulsl said...

Mary, i was thinking about you and realized that you have still not posted a new post yet!!!!
Are you doing o.k?? I hope so, and i am hoping its only because you are just very busy like i am?
Hang in there, you have my support.... Hugs and Blessings sent to you>>>>>
Love Stacy

Tamara said...

Mary,

Just checking in to see if you are okay. Haven't seen you in cyberspace in awhile. Hope all is well. I looked for an email address for you and couldn't find one so I hope you get this message.

Anyway, just thinking of you!

Take care...
Tamara

Mike Golch said...

you are a great writer is can see that in your poem and I can see the pain thse as well.
came to visit from Tamara site.I'm glad that I did. congrats on your long marriage.I'm glad to say the I have been married to my lady 28 years this year.

Babs (Beetle) said...

Thank you for visiting my blog.

What a powerful poem! I am so sad for all the little children that have been victims of abuse, in any form. I wish I could hug and love them all, and take them from their pain.

There is pure evil in this world, and the abuse of children is where it show it's ugly head.

I pray that you find the peace you most definitely deserve.

Wanda's Wings said...

I have so much trouble with flash back. this was very well written

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