Memories

FLASHBACKS

Piercing words, they hurt so much
Racing through my mind,
A frightened child retreats in fear
Herself she cannot find.

I can't escape the visions
That play deep inside my head,
They never stop re-playing
To be awake is what I dread.

I see a child so tiny
In her crib she cried and cried,
The shape she saw was haunting
In her thoughts it does reside.

So many times I try to shun
The memories I do see,
To hard to fight, I scream inside
Please God, just set me free.

The wholeness inside has been destroyed
She knows not how to fight,
She covers her ears and rocks herself
Her feelings are so contrite.

Reliving all these memories
Constricts your way of life,
It takes away the joy you seek
It cuts through you like a knife.

The solemn look of sadness
Is frozen on her face,
No smile to show some happiness
She just sits and takes up space.

I can't find the rage or anger
To express just how I feel,
They're deep inside and locked up tight
The numbness is just so real.

She doesn't know how to love herself
Hate is what she feels,
No hug to keep her safe at night,
Only fear, when her body he steals.

I mourn so much for myself so small
But I can't reach out to touch
I feel I have deserted her
I want to help so much.

She felt the anguish inside herself
Too much pain, so much distress,
It created a void, no existence
She cringed when he tried to caress.

Too many years to carry
This burden I have inside,
My mind is like a time bomb
There's just nowhere I can hide.

She feels just like a rag doll
To be used and ripped apart,
She wishes for deliverance
To get a fresh new start.

The flashbacks keep repeating
I feel I'll lose my mind,
Can't banish what happened so long ago
To this fate I am resigned.

written by Mary G.


AS adults survivors of child abuse, we often struggle with flashbacks. Flashbacks are recollections from the past. Triggers can bring on a flashback and it can be very distressing. I find it very scary and so real, that I forget that it has happened in the past and is not happening now. The flashbacks are so powerful that I have a hard time letting go, and for me they are there constantly. Trying to be kind to myself is so hard to do, and trying to reach that inner child and tell her that all will be ok, that I am here for her, is also something that I need to practice, because reaching her is so hard to do, and makes me so sad inside. I find the flashbacks keep me trapped and a prisoner in my self. I so much want to be free of them to live a life where I can be happy and know that nothing can ever hurt me again.