The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Monday, May 26, 2008



Reaching out I touch her hand
And guide her on her way,
That little girl who fought so hard
Can finally have her say.

It's not your fault, it never was
I try to make her see,
She's not alone to face her fears
She's loved and now she's free.

Free from all the sadness
That filled her heart with pain,
Free to lift her head up high
And erase the years of strain.

So hush little one, hush my sweet
And let me dry your eyes,
Come out from behind your shadow
And watch the demons die.

written by Mary G.

What is the Inner Child? It is a part of our being. It is our “Real Self.” Some psychotherapists call it the “True Self.”
The emotional and sensitive you, who you have controlled and silenced.

The frustrated, pained, neglected you, whom you have hidden away and masked, and have never acknowledged.

We all have this “Inner Child” inside of us. The “inner child” often comes to front when our childhood is ridden with scars and pain that will take years to heal.
Many of our issues often go back to our childhood and what impacted our livcs back then.
The emotional and physical part of our body and mind were hurt and deceived. Deceived into making us think that all was normal, that the behaviour was normal, whatever negative way that we reached out was normal. But now as adults we know this is not the case.

As adults, in order to heal, we must take our inner child and nurture and love that part of us that is wounded. That, is the hardest thing to do.
When we judge ourselves or think badly of ourselves, I think we are giving power to the “demon” inside us. It's like we are feeding the ferousious beast within. It is devouring our every being.

I find that I fight this beast who over-powers me, and I can't get away.
It is always waiting to pounce whenever I am most vulnerable. It plays a waiting game, waiting to take over, and as of late it wins, I lose.........

We need to ask ourselves this question, “who is in control” Is it ourselves, or the “inner child?” A lot of times I think the answer is quite clear the “inner child” is in control because we have often abandoned and abused the inner child in us by keeping her/him locked away in a dark scary place deep within ourselves. And that is where she/he stays, always fearful, afraid to come out.

She/he was not able to be set free, not able to feel loved or told that everything would be ok. She/he was not able to express her feelings and so she/he stayed hidden in fear of being found out.
Feeding our minds with negative thoughts, making us feel ashamed. Controlling our thoughts. This is not right, this is all wrong, She/he can't be let to control us This is how the “wound” in the inner child dictated to us. The woulnd festered inside us for all these years, it controlled our thinking, of how we felt about ourselves, and it just stayed in the background.....waiting......

Now it's time for us to take control, to show the inner child that it will be okay. She doesn't need to “hide behind her shadow.” That she/he can now face whatever happened to her/him so long ago. Nothing can hurt her/him anymore. That we are their for that “inner child,” we will love her/him and show her/him that she/he can't be hurt by any kind of abuse ever again.

I have not reached this part of my healing, but am working hard on it, and hopefully will beat this demon inside of me and release my “inner child” so that she has no more fears, no more tears, just happiness that she was able to survive......
written by Mary G.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What Can We Do???

I have to say that Depression Awareness by the public is lacking big time. That is why the stigma of depression is still felt by us. People just “don't get it” or they just don't want to understand, they feel that we are exaggerating the way we feel. Maybe they are scared of the word, or don't know what to say to a person with depression.
Depression is often an illness where one is all alone in their struggle. You may feel that you are cut off from everyone at some point.
I often feel the loneliness because I don't talk about it to my family or friends even if they ask if something is wrong I'll say no. But most of the time my family will pick up on it and they feel it. But I say nothing, because I don't want to upset them so I struggle alone, by myself. I stay hidden behind my shadow. My shadow of depression.
I just can't seem to lift the mask that covers me. I feel like a “ticking time-bomb” sometimes ready to explode at any moment. I think this is true for the thousands of people who suffer some form of depression.
Whether we are at home, work or even school, destructive behaviour toward ourselves or others is sounding that alarm on the unspeakable pain that we feel.
Often we try to soothe psychological and emotional wounds in many different ways e.g.
eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, working 24/7, excessive gambling or shopping. These are just some of the ways we soothe or find comfort for our well-being.
I can attest to that, as many of you can. To me, it gives me comfort in some “insane way.”
This on-going challenge of managing depression takes a lot of work. It takes HARD work and commitment by controlling and identifying the factors that trigger it. For me re-living the past and bringing it up at therapy often triggers me after I leave therapy, and thus starts the spiral downward again. I eat, drink, sleep the past over and over again, making me even more sad. I know re-hashing whatever is bothering you has to come out in order to heal. But this is where I find it hard. I find that it's not healing me, it's hurting me the more I think about it, but if I do nothing then I know I will be in big trouble.
They say we need to make the time to have adequate rest, eat healthy, exercise and have continued treatment with a therapist or doctor and continue to take our meds in order to beat this demon.
One problem I have when I am depressed is I don't eat. I may have breakfast and maybe some lunch, but then I won't eat at dinnertime. Sometimes I will only have one meal all day. I'm just not hungry. I do see my therapist on a regular basis and to the most part take my meds . It's strange though, reading the above, I'm chuckling to myself and saying “you idiot why don't you do what you say?” And I think I know the answer to that one. I just don't care enough about myself. I hate myself to some degree because of what has happened to me. I hate the feelings I have, sometimes it nauseates me. I just want to be able to help others. Maybe I can make a difference if only for 1 person, then maybe that person will do something about their depression.
One thing the experts say is we must be honest with ourselves, we have to be able to tell someone how we feel. We need to get help from a professional. Maybe by doing this it will give us strength to share our stories with others. To let them know that they are not alone. That they are not teetering on the edge ready to fall off. Someone is there to catch them. Someone is there to help, that to reach out and face our demons is to end this torture we call depression. We need to face the truth.
I find facing the truth hard. Telling someone how you feel can be very scary. Thoughts are racing through my mind as to what I want to say. Telling family is really hard, because I don't want to let them down or upset them. Being honest about your feelings is not easy. They say that by doing this by releasing our pain to others or even ourselves is the first step in being able to lift our heads high and get the help we need. To end the stigma.
My struggles have been long and hard. I know that I still blame myself for the way I feel. I know, everyone says “your not to blame,” that “you didn't cause this to happen,” but deep down I find it so hard to let go of that feeling. Thoughts often race through my mind no matter what I'm doing, but I will try and put the pieces together somehow someway and I will try to stop feeding the demon that keeps me Hiding behind my shadow!!!

Monday, May 19, 2008

A Lightning Bolt

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cool myspace layouts

Well today I left to go home after spending 4 days with my grandkids. They were great, and for the most part I felt pretty good, on the outside anyway. It's crazy, but sometimes I can totally be fine, and then zap, it's like a bolt of lightning hit me and the sadness and hopelessness comes thundering into my head. What makes this happen? Tears that want to be shed are locked away and never begin to flow. Feeling the emptiness inside, and the loneliness one feels because you are crying on the inside so no-one can see you or feel your sadness. Emotions that are locked away because there is nothing that can be done to bring them out.

When you are angry, you can usually vent so the anger repairs itself and is forgotten and done with. But sadness just stays, for the most part, it doesn't move, it sits and rots away in your mind. But it needs to be void of its power that it has over you. Combatting this means doing the exact thing that you don't want to do, like visiting your friends, being happy, getting out of the house. Instead of doing the obvious, I want to stay in bed, shut my eyes, leave this world, so there is no more pain, no more sadness.

I want to go back to the beginning, erase the past, and start all over again. But I can't go back in time, I have to move on. Oh yes!!! move on, that's easier said than done. Everyone tells you "move on, forget it, let it be" sure for the ones who do not suffer from depression or other mental illnesses, that's easy to say. Moving on to forget, to live for the present and the future, not to live in the past. But you can't just say that to a person who is depressed, because moving on is not as easy as it seems.

I do the everyday thing I do because I have to, not because I want to. I get up, go to work, put on my happy face, tell everyone who asks that I feel great, when in reality I feel the opposite.

You are told in therapy, be kind to yourself, love yourself.
Trying to be kind to yourself, to nurture not easy, how do you love yourself when all you feel is hatred, either because you feel that you are too weak of a person to fight this demon, or because you don't know HOW to nurture yourself. I mean, how often do we tell ourselves, "Hey me, I love you, you are a wonderful person" Ya right, for me, I wouldn't believe myself if I did say that.

I sit here typing away, with the sadness in me that no-one else sees, I sigh, wondering what tomorrow will bring, I know that I will wake up, get up and go to work, put on my happy face, so others see a "happy" me, when in reality I know I will feel the opposite. The bolt of lightening will keep hitting me, sending me into the spiral of depression.

I will continue when I return from work tomorrow...Sleep well my friends, and try not to let the demon of depression take over......Nippercat

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cool myspace layouts

Friday, May 16, 2008

Just Another Day

Well today is just another day, I decided at the last minute, (well, my daughter decided for me) to come to Ohio, (I am in Ontario) with hubby who was going on to Dayton for 3 days to come stay with her and my 2 granddaughters who are 4 and 2. I phoned in sick at work telling them I wouldn't be in till Tuesday. Monday is a holiday in Canada. So I quickly packed my clothes, and off I went to Ohio. Yesterday as I was playing with the kids, I had a feeling come over me that I just wanted to go home, This feeling stayed with me all day and it is still there today. I have never had anxiety before if that is what it is, but I just want to be at home, by myself, away from everyone. Why do I have to feel this way? These are the things that depression causes, this I know, but it's still not easy to pretend all is fine, that there is nothing wrong. That's the problem too, people don't want to know how you are really feeling, they don't want to know that your feeling depressed. So you shut them out, and carry on as you always do, hiding, keeping everything inside, and as I do Hiding Behind My the saga continues.........nippercat

Monday, May 12, 2008

Still Hiding........

Well Monday has come and gone. It is suppose to be May right, well it sure doesn't feel like it. Weather this morning was very cool, and dreary, I hate days like this. Day's like this affect my mood, not that I need anything to upset it as it is. But it does make me feel icky inside. I went to the cemetery yesterday to plant some flowers at my mom's grave site. On the way I started to cry. It's been 3 years since my mom passed away, and I miss her so much. I cleaned up the grave site and planted the flowers, and brought home a little cherub well it actually has 2 cherubs on it, for each of my 2 granddaughters. I had put their names on it in permanent marker, but over the winter it came off. Now I have to figure out what to use so their names don't come off. If anyone has any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

So going to the cemetery just added to my depression. Depression chokes me., it's like it overtakes everything else.
You try to ignore it and concentrate on other things, but......guess what??? IT'S STILL THERE. Sometimes it overtakes you when you least expect it... Sometimes I feel like I 'm in a fog and can't get out, groping my way through it hoping to find a light at the end of the tunnel.....and......I'm still Hiding behind my shadow....
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Wednesday, May 7, 2008


I have watched this video over and over again, and it is so true, to forgive ourselves is to move on. But it is something that is so hard to do, we find it easier to forgive others and not ourselves. "To let go of the past, to forgive one-self is to heal one-self". You know, hearing that, I know it's the right thing to do, but I can't seem to let go even though hanging onto it keeps the hurt and pain deep inside you, and there is no way you can move on. Negative energy and hurt from the past only keeps the pain alive.

Why is it so hard to move on? Why can't we see that agonizing over this only hurts us more? I find it a hard question to answer.

I have gone over this while in therapy, I know that when my therapist tells me these things, that she is right. But it just eats away at you. You can't seem to let go. It eats away at your mind, at your soul, never letting you forget.

Is it the depression that makes you think this way? Is it because you feel some sort of guilt? Maybe you did something wrong to cause it. I find my demons are stronger than I am. I feel like giving up at times, but I don't want to give up, I want to fight and I will fight as long as I can. We can't let depression beat us, because if we do we will never be able to forgive ourselves, to come out from behind the shadow, the shadow that keeps us hidden and scared.

This is a continuation of how I feel, of my depression. Today at work I tried so hard to keep my mind busy, the kids made me laugh at school, and I did smile and for a moment I did forget, and I was in the present. The thoughts were gone just a few precious moments, and it felt good, but then the shadow came back and I was once again hiding behind it, my mask was in place once again. FORGIVENESS is the key to all this, we have to try and forgive ourselves, to love ourselves and maybe, just maybe the mask will slowly unveil itself, and we can finally be set free............

Monday, May 5, 2008


Shadow of a sitting person

May 5-11 Is Canadian Mental Health Week


I slip behind my shadow
To hide, to melt away,
No-one else can see me
Who cares its just that way.

I often feel the loneliness
That I carry around inside
The feelings are so vivid
I try so hard to hide.

My mind is filled with images
I try to see the good,
But I'm hiding behind my shadow
Because I am often mis-understood.

This is how I feel. I try to think of the positive, but depression often takes over. You go to work and try to hide the sadness you feel. You smile, and laugh, but you are just hiding how you really feel. Depression takes over.

I suffer from depression and I am not ashamed to say it. I was diagnosed with severe depression 8 years ago, but I know that I had it for many years before that. Now, again, I see the silent face of depression. The "gray area of life." It has come back to haunt me.

People who see you daily, your co-workers, friends, and sometimes even your family do not see the real you. I have learned how to hide it, I have learned little tricks so that no-one can see the torment I feel inside. People do not understand depression, it is a stigma, "stay away from her" she's depressed. She's a "nut case."
You see, depression has no face, you cannot really see it. It is an invisible illness for the most part and often masks its-self as something else.

Sometimes people can see the signs if
they are looking for it. Your family, if they know you are depressed can often see it. There can be visible signs like staying in your bed, emotional signs, crying, screaming, but the other signs, the silent ones that you feel in your head, only you know what they are, only you can feel them, only you can see them, no-one else.

Often a person that you would never suspect of having a mental illness is the person who does. It is like hiding behind a mask, you do not want to take it off because if you do the real you would be seen.

People with depression often suffer alone, by themselves.
Often you try to be strong, but deep inside your feelings are playing havoc, you feel that it is somehow your fault for what has happened in your life, that you yourself caused it. I struggle with this everyday, always thinking that somehow it is my fault no-one else's. I am to blame for how I feel. Day after day it is a struggle to survive, always thinking when or how will it ever end?

I am that someone who hides behind my shadow, hoping that I can erase the images and go on. But it is not easy. Easy to say but hard to do.

The stigma of mental illness is not the same as a person having another illness. People do not understand, they think it is all in your head, that yo
u can just snap out of it and get on with your life. Well, I wish that were true, because if it was then I would not be talking about it right now. I would be able to get on with my life and leave it behind. I do not think it ever really goes away. It is a very scary illness for the person who has it and a very REAL illness. Maybe people are afraid of the word DEPRESSION, maybe that is why they do not really understand what we are going through or maybe they do not want to understand, but because of this stigma, the depressed person hides, and does not often seek medical help.

Seeking professional help often helps either by being given medication, or going to therapy. I have done both and am still taking medication and I am still in therapy. I have a wonderful therapist who is so understanding and has helped me so much.

I am not ashamed of who I am, I am just trying to deal with my emotions, my inner feelings, my inner self, trying to deal with the shadow that I hide behind. Hopefully someday,
I hope to come out from behind that shadow and show the people around me that I am just an ordinary person, that I am someone who suffers from an illness, an illness called DEPRESSION..

If you know someone who is depressed comfort and support them, let them know that you are there for them, to help them in any way that you can. Do not fear them. Do no let them hide behind their shadow or mask, do not let them slip away, guide them along the way to seek the help they need. Help them to hold their head up high. Let them know that it is alright to have this illness called depression, that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I think that is one of the biggest reasons we hide, and only show our true self to people w
e know who are caring and understanding.

I will from time to time come back to this subject and let you know how I am doing. But for now I am still hiding behind my shadow.......