DID YOU REALLY LOVE ME

At first I thought 
You were special
Because you chose
 Me for your own,
You raised me,
 But did you love me?
I felt so all alone.

Love is what I
 Should have felt,
But fear is what I saw,
You yelled and
 Often hit me
And that wasn't 
Your only flaw.

How could you
 Hurt a little girl?
I wasn't very old,
But that didn't
Seem to matter
You were so
 Very cold.

You  didn't see 
What dad did to me
I was and so afraid
 To face his wrath
He changed my life
In so many ways
My life looked
 Very gray.

He hurt me in
 So many ways
But showed me
 Love you see
This is what 
I was looking for
Because no love
You gave to me.

The things he
 Often did to me,
Was not suppose to be
There was no-one
  To stop it
If there was
 Then I could have
 Been set free.

It went on for 
Many, many years
My tears, my
 Pillow stained,
From the many nights 
I cried in bed
My thoughts were
 So very drained.

You didn't see 
The changes in me
I hid them
Deep inside,
I was a frightened
Child back then
Had no-one to
 Set me free.

I hid the turmoil
 From all to see
It was my
 Shame I faced,
It made me feel
 So dirty inside
It was me
 That I disgraced.

You see, he took
 My innocence
But I didn't 
Know it then,
I was like a pawn 
Played in his game
And forced
 Into his den.

And when I
 Grew into a teen
It still went
 On and on,
He knew I would
 Keep my silence still
His hold on
 Me was strong.

But by then
 I knew I hated it,
It was not
 Suppose to be
All I saw was
 A monster then
Who would  never
Set me free.

I wished I could
 Have saved myself
But I didn't
 Know how to find,
A safety net
 To help me then
I knew I was
 In a bind.

You had no incling
 Of what went on
He made so
 Sure of it,
He probably never
 Bothered you
It was me
 Who took the hit.

I was so very 
Scared to tell
So I just hid it
 Deep inside,
I was too embarrassed
 By what I did
That part of myself
 I must hide.

Now as an adult
 I still find it hard
To let go of that
 Rage inside,
To let it out and
 Free myself
So my thoughts
 I won't have to hide.

I hope one day
 I can forgive
You both for
 What you did,
So I can move on 
 Live my life
And all the demons 
I can finally be rid.

 Mary Graziano ©
10/28/08

Our Little Game

“OUR LITTLE GAME”


Sitting in the darkness
With so much sadness on her face,
Tears welling up inside her eyes
She's breathing as if in a race.

She listens for the footsteps
That she knows are going to come,
She hugs her knees together
And to herself begins to hum.

Her eyes she closes so tightly
As her heart it skips a beat,
No-one around to save her
Her abuser she is soon to meet.

Slowly her door did open
As his figure looms so big,
Tears start streaming down her face
As her fingers in her skin did dig.

She rolled herself into a ball
As he stood right next to her,
He bent down low and whispered
But she didn't even stir.

“I'm here for you, is what he said
Come, let's go and have some fun.”
'NO!!!” she yelled inside herself
But his booming words had stung.

She couldn't yell her words out-loud
He would smother her mouth with his hand,
So there was no use to fight him
She just couldn't understand.

He scooped her up into his arms
And kissed her upon her cheek,
She wanted to scream and claw at him
But her spirit was just too weak.

He threw her on the bed so rough
She tried to squirm away,
But he held her down and told her
“Don't you move, you have to stay.”

Her tears were like a fountain
Spewing down upon her face,
“Please don't do that to me,” she yelled
But he answered with such disgrace.

“You're mine to do with as I please”
Is what he said to her,
“But daddy,let me go, please stop!!!”
But he pressed down so she couldn't stir.

She lay so still as if in a trance
As he squirmed on top and sighed,
She couldn't bear to look at him
She wished she could have died.

As she lay there he whispered into her ear
“Remember this is our little game,”
She cringed when she did hear this
And thinks she is to blame.

She rocked herself to sleep that night
And wished for angels to come,
To set her free from this abuse
That has made her feel so numb.

But no-one came to set her free
Her stomach would twist into knots,
Not knowing what else was coming next
She wished and hopes he rots.

Now as an adult she faces the wrath
Of the demons that haunt her soul,
The memories are fresh, and take over her mind
Of the childhood and joy he stole.

Written by Mary G.

The Mirror

The Mirror

The mirror is
 My enemy
When I look
 Inside I see,
A little girl 
Who is so lost
Tears well up in me.

She looks so frightened,
 So very sad
I can't reach out or touch,
It's just too hard 
To look at her
For the memories
 Are just too much.

I know she needs
 My guidance
But she reminds me
 Of all my fears,
Hate I see within her eyes
She sheds so
 Many tears.

So I walk away
 And leave her
Can't bear to 
See her cry,
I try so hard
 To block it out
There's too many
 Tears to dry.

As I turn and look
 Back in the mirror
My adult self I see,
So many thoughts
 I remember
It just envelops me.

If I could 
Smash the mirror
That little girl
 Would disappear,
But then she would 
Be trapped inside
Her abuser wins,
 She would still live in fear
.© Mary G.