The Blog Farm

The Blog Farm

Sunday, February 23, 2014



     The past week and especially the past few nights, going to sleep has been hard for me.  When I do sleep, my brain doesn't seem to want to shut down.  Working "over-time" trying to figure out the deep secrets from the past.

     Glimpses from the past flash before me, while I sleep, giving way to nightmares.  Taking me to a place I don't want to be, but in the same breath, I want to finish the puzzle pieces, put them all together, and be done with it.  But those last pieces, just won't fall into place, so the mystery continues, keeping me from having the amount of sleep my body needs.  Nightmares I know can't hurt me, but when you are into one, that is the least that is on your mind.  You can't say to yourself, "Ok, Mary, this is a nightmare, it can't hurt you."  

     You are in that nightmare, you feel it with every part of your being, a part of your body, of you mind.  You are there, like it is really happening to YOU!!!  My nightmare/dream, whatever you want to call it, is being persistent, bringing me down during the day.  I can feel my mood change.  I don't show it to those around me, they see the happy Mary, the fun Mary.  Living a life of pretending since my childhood, is a hard habit to break.  I was so good at it.  I had to be, couldn't let the family unit know that "dad was abusing his daughter," so I pretended all was fine.  I often thought as a child, and just thought of this now, what would have happened if I told?  Would I have destroyed the family?  As a child the answer was yes, it would have or at least would have made them hate me, because I really don't think anyone would have believed me in the first place.  

     Back to my nightmare, I am there, but the person who is making me go into the attic, is a blur to me.  If I could at least connect with a face, then maybe I could let it go, but not knowing is bothering me.  For a little kid, that dark attic was a very foreboding place,  a place I hated, and what made it even worse is that it was in my bedroom.  The houses back when I was a baby, were made in the 30's or 40's, and the attic was a room with a door from within the bedroom.  My brother and I would go inside sometimes, but I wouldn't venture far from the door.  It wasn't a safe place for me, and I felt it and even as I am writing this, I can picture it in my mind, can feel the pain that hurt me in this place.  The memory of my mother locking me in there for what seemed to me a life time, but I am sure was only a few minutes and then when she unlocked the door slapped me as I came out crying and said, "Now have you learned your lesson?"  

     What lesson?  I have no recollection of what I did wrong as that small child.  Looking back at some of the pictures of me as a young child, I know now why I looked very solemn in some of my pictures.  No smiles, even at my first communion walking off of the altar after receiving the host, you would think someone had scolded me for the way I looked.  I looked hurt, sad, while everyone else was happy that day.  

     Connecting the last few puzzle pieces could bring an end to my connection with the demons of the past.   But the puzzle pieces are still lost.  Hopefully they will be found, I will be able to finish this part of my past, but there are still a few more pieces left of other things I feel, that are not right.  That little girl inside of me who I thought was ok, is still hurting, she is caught with one foot in the past, when she wants to move forward, be free, have that smile fixed on her face.  I really thought this part of myself was over, but I am realizing that my little self is still struggling, which in turn makes me feel the way I am.  I am trying hard to find the inner peace inside myself so that I can then be able to "throw away the key," lock up the past and finally be done with it, thus hopefully ending the hold with the past has on my little self. 

     Tonight when I go to bed, I am going to try what my friend Patricia Mcknight said to me yesterday.  Snuggle up to my husband, feel the love that is around me, my kids, grandkids, all the positives I have in my life.  Where I am now.  I know it's not going to be easy to do, but it is something to concentrate on other than the past.  It's controlled my life enough, it's time for me to take full control, release the hold that I really thought was gone, and live for the now, and for the remaining time of my tomorrows.  Abuse stole all of our souls as kids, but are we going to let it continue to consume us? If we do, then we are losing again.  The monsters who stole us the day they touched us, will always have control.  We CAN'T let that continue.  As much as it hurt us, we are now free, but we have to really realize that. 

     The puzzle pieces may never fit all into place, and even though we hate that this is happening,  I am realizing and I hope everyone can also realize and ask, " Is it really important to fit those pieces into place?"  Or living our lives now as survivors more important.  I know I am going to be right in saying the latter.  Survivors we are and survivors we will always be.  If we can let that little girl/boy inside of us know this, then she/he will come out and not be afraid of the nightmares that can't hurt her/him any longer. 
Mary Graziano©
February 23, 2014

Friday, February 21, 2014

My friend Michal Madison ~ Water colour artist and so much more ~
Visit one incredible artist that I have had the pleasure, wonderful pleasure of meeting last summer.  Michal Madison, is an artist so spectacular.  Her work will amaze you.  The feeling that she puts into each and every painting is astounding to say the least.  Michal paints with passion and love.  Her feelings go into every brush stroke.  Her painting is healing to herself and to others.  

Michal Madison is a very caring, compassionate person, who I love very much and so proud to call her my friend.  She has been through so much in her life, overcome so many obstacles, and is now a person in control of her own destiny.  No one controls her, she is her own person. Fun to be with, loving in every way, a "free spirit."  Meeting Michal, after talking to her on Facebook for over a year now, writing poems with her paintings, we became good friends.  But when I met her last summer, it was like I was meeting an old friend that I have known for many years.  We hugged, and were so so happy to see each other, I felt so connected with Michal.  WE are both survivors of incest, abuse, physical and emotional.  We are still healing and will often share how we are feeling with each other.   What a wonderful way for friends to share feelings that mean so much to each of us.  

When I see one of Michal's paintings appear on facebook, the first thing I see are the eyes.  She paints the eyes with so much emotion, so much passion, the eyes open up my heart, and my poem will seem to flow right out of me onto my paper.  The eyes in Michal's paintings are so alive, they talk to me, give me the feelings for the painting.  When Michal starts a painting she starts painting the eyes first.  I was able to  watch her paint when I was with her.  She had already outlined the painting with a pencil so when she picked up the paint brush, she started painting the eyes.  I was awe struck.  The feelings that came from watching Michal paint, I was just overcome with emotion.  

Michal has become a good friend to many, and to me will always remain close to my heart.  She has inspired me so much.  Before meeting Michal yes I would write, but not as much as I do today.  Now I write every day.  My poetry has changed from rhyming to prose, thanks to Michal helping me change the way I write, giving me the advice she got from another.  I am so very grateful to her for that.  

Michal has graced me with putting my poetry right on her artwork, I felt so honoured for her to do that for me.  Visit Michal's website, her paintings are for sale, and 10/% go to support "Childhelp Foundation" a place where children who have no place to go, who were abused, hurt, come to ChildHelp for love and comfort, knowing that they will never be hurt again.  Michal, thank you my dear, wonderful friend for all that you do, for all who you inspire.  You are a watercolour artist/advocate for child abuse/speaker, Co-founder C.O.O. of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery, a part of ChildHelp Foundation, and my friend. 

Michal, NEVER stop painting,  and I will never stop writing my poetry.  Your watercolour paintings bring out the beauty inside of you, brings healing to yourself and to so  many, and brings healing to me.  Love you my friend ~ forever in my heart ~ MG ~                     
                                         Mary Shared Michal Madison Art


Embracing a 
New beginning
With decisiveness 
And purpose, 
She sets out
Moving forward, 
In the hopes
Of establishing 
A future
With dreams of 
A better tomorrow.

The past 
Now gone, nothing
That happened
Or haunted her
Could ever 
Be changed,
She was once there,
But now has 
Moved on 
With purpose
And determination.

Her dark green eyes 
And demeanour
Poised, shows how 
Driven she is,
Life now has 
Been transformed
From what once was
To a present that
Brings her solace
Creating her future, 
So deserving.
Mary Graziano©
Artwork, title and some words
By Michal Madison
With purposeful intention, she embraced this new beginning. She could not change the past, but she could transform the present moment creating the future she deserved. 
Watercolor by Michal Madison copyright 2014
www. MichalMadisonArt.Net/galleries.html