Because I hurt

BECAUSE I HURT

Because I hurt.... I'm crippled
My mind is stuck in time,
It harbours thoughts and visions
Can't wash away the grime.

Because I hurt....I felt damaged
From the time that I was young,
You said I wasn't worthy
Those words hit hard, they stung.

Because I hurt....I felt guilty
For whatever I did do wrong,
You stripped me of my feelings
To heal, my journey's long.

Because I hurt....I felt the shame
Of the harm that I did do,
I thought that it would heal the hurt
But I know it's just not true.

Because I hurt....I felt rejected
And that pain was so very deep,
That little girl was all alone
She'd cry herself to sleep.

Because I hurt....I can't express
My feelings deep inside,
They're locked up tight and can't be reached
The secrets are what I hide.

Because I hurt....I felt violated
In my mind, my body and soul,
You stripped me from my very self
The innocence of life you stole.

Because I hurt....I can't love myself
You never showed me how,
Hate for me is all I felt
For years, right up to now.

Because I hurt....I am not free
To think of happy thoughts,
The memories reel inside my head
Compassion is all I sought.

Because I hurt....I still can't heal
The hurt is here to stay,
Maybe it was all just a dream
This is what I do pray.

Because I hurt....I try to escape
From the emptiness I feel inside,
But the darkness holds me prisoner
My "self" it's gone...it died.

Because I hurt....I felt vulnerable
I trusted you above all,
I didn't know that what you did
Was wrong, it was your call.

Because I hurt....I tried to deny
All things that made me sad,
I often thought I deserved all this,
That just maybe I was bad.

Because I hurt....I can't seem to find
Any goodness inside of me
I only see a crying child
With tears that are too blinding to see.

Because I hurt....my fight is gone
My thoughts I can't divert,
This is how I explain the words
"BECAUSE I HURT."
written By Mary G.

BROKEN

BROKEN

Your uncaring ways they haunted me
What did I do so wrong?
That you would use me like you did,
Those daunting images are strong.

You took away my self-esteem
You changed my inner self,
You kept me like I was your prize
Like a trophy put on your shelf.

Controlling me, you used me
Like a puppet on a string,
I had to do as I was told
Or face those words that sting.

I find it hard to cleanse the past
Like a wound that just won't heal,
The scars that mar me are so deep
Pent up anger is what I feel.

"I love you" was all I wanted to hear
But those words were never spoken,
Alone and abandoned is how I felt
My heart will be always BROKEN.
written by Mary G.

Even as adults we still feel the sorrow and pain of the past. Trying to come to terms with it is never easy. Years may go by and we still wait for some kind of affirmation and I know for myself I couldn't ask why I didn't get some kind of affirming words and why the words "I love you" were so hard to say. I couldn't verbalize to my parents the words I wanted to say to them, it was too foreign to me. Being adopted, I thought that I would be special because I was "chosen" but that wasn't true at all. I wasn't special. I was just someone that they abused for their satisfaction.

Don't we all have the need to be loved? Don't we need to be held and shown that we belong?
As humans we are programmed for love and protection from someone and when we don't get it, then we try in whatever way possible to receive it.

Stealing our self-esteem breaks us. We crave attention, we crave love, the love that wasn't there. Sometimes we punish ourselves by blaming ourselves, that something must be wrong with us, that our parents or whoever didn't do anything wrong. I feel that way sometimes. I try and comprehend in my mind why things like this happen, why God let it happen? As children were we bad? Or we may think that this is normal behaviour. Maybe this went on in every household. It wasn't spoken about, it was kept quiet.

Now as adults we sometimes can't see or find the truth. It is buried deep inside, too hard to understand. We live our lives not as our true selves but as a part that is missing. A part that we must understand and come to terms with..We must find the other half of us, so that we become whole again, so that we may find love and be loved.....

The Darkness Inside of Me

The Darkness Inside of Me

Darkness is my enemy
It swallows me up inside,
With searing thoughts and pictures
Flashing slowly; it won't subside.

As I lay their staring blankly
In a room that has no light,
In the darkness that envelopes me
No courage left to fight.

I close my eyes so tightly
To keep out the pain and fear,
But the gripping pieces of memory
Slowly re-appear.

The jaws of darkness devours me
To take over my mind and soul,
The retching feeling deep inside
Is finally taking its toll.

I can't stop the fears of sadness
It tears me all apart,
I see the pain from long ago
That shatters my broken heart.

I can't escape the darkness
That lives inside of me,
I fear it will last forever
It may never set me free.
Mary Graziano©

The power of darkness can overtake us. It can consume us and render our spirit, taking away any joy we may feel. " The darkness Within Me" gives me pain, all the pain I have felt throughout my life. It invades my mind. It brings forth the memories from long ago to face over and over again.

The darkness kills my spirit. It obscures my mind.

Why does it have this power over me? Am I that weak that I let it take over my very being? Why does it render me helpless with flashes of memory that overtake my mind, memories that make me sad, hopeless, fearful and helpless? What is this "Power of Darkness?"

My Tears Are Blinding Me

MY TEARS ARE BLINDING ME

I crawled inside the small cocoon
So no-one else could see,
The pain and fear I felt inside
Just wanting to be free.

To fly away, high up above
The clouds so soft and white,
To be myself for who I am
No fears when it was night.

But I am here, can't fly away
Can't stop the many tears,
Can't right the wrong from long ago
There's just so many fears.

My Inner Child is waiting
For help to come along,
To hold her hand and comfort her
And tell her that she belongs.

But the walls I built are solid still
Too high to set her free,
Can't reach her hand or hold her tight
My tears are blinding me.

I have to try and understand
To capture the truth within,
To gain the strength of who I am,
And see where I have been.

And hopefully I'll see the truth
That I did not do wrong,
And one day I'll reach out to her
And we'll both be so very strong.

written by Mary G.

FEAR

FEAR

No-one can see the fear she has
Nor the pain within her eyes,
She hides within herself to keep
Her feelings deep inside.

Fear of doing something wrong
Too afraid to use her voice,
She closes her eyes and finds a place
That's hers, it is her choice.

Safe from the fear of hurting words
Safe from all abuse,
Safe to hold herself and cry
But the demons are all still loose.

The biting words, the worthlessness
Makes her cringe deep down inside,
Like a vice, it squeezes life from her
With tears she wants to die.

I try to give her comfort
To hold her close to me,
But the pain from all the memories,
Are too strong to set us free.

That little girl inside of me
Faced many fears and doubts,
She cries inside me everyday
"Please let the DEMONS out!!!"

written by Mary G.


WHAT IS FEAR?

Fear is a strong word. The dictionary defines fear as "an emotional response to tangible and realistic dangers. Most fear is usually connected pain of some kind. Fear is a survival mechanism and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus."

I think having fear is something that is distressing, and makes you aware that there is some sort of danger.

Some types of fear can make a person "live in a bubble" because they can't escape this "bubble" out of fear. They are too afraid.

I feared the emotional abuse of my mother. The power and control that she had over me not only when I was a child but into my adult life, up until her death 3 years ago. I can honestly say that I never ever said a bad word to her or spoke back to her. I was never allowed to voice my opinion about anything. I was never allowed to argue with her even if she was wrong. I never did these things because I FEARED her. I had no self-worth. My feelings never mattered, they were unimportant. She controlled my emotions. She controlled my very "being."

I never ever remembered my mother telling me "I Love You" I never heard her use these words to anyone. I don't ever remember saying it back to her ever. I often felt worthless because she would never listen to me...she had control...she had to BE in control......

FEELINGS

Feelings

Long ago when I was young
I was not allowed to say,
How I felt inside myself
That's why it's hard today.

Still hiding in the darkness
So no-one else can see,
How I really feel inside
Can't set my feelings free.

Too hard to share with others
To let them see my tears,
I bury my feelings deep inside
And hide away my fears.

No-one can feel my sadness
No-one can see my pain,
I can't upset those close to me
What would I have to gain?

The voice inside is silent still
My tears are shed for me,
Someday I might unlock my fears
And set my feelings free.

written by Mary G.


What are feelings?

Feelings are "inner experiences of mood." Feelings can be pleasant or unpleasant. Most of our feelings fall into groups, like, happy, sad, angry, confused, or scared.

Everyone has feelings, some people have feelings that they can't control, and they let their feelings out, which is a good thing. Others have feelings that they hold within themselves and it can fester and fester then blow.

I keep my feelings inward and always have. Just like in my poem, I don't like letting anyone know how I really feel. When I was growing up at home, I never had a voice. I was never allowed to show my feelings. If I was told to do something but didn't want to, I was not allowed to voice my opinion about it, didn't matter what it was. It was always "Do as your told."

Thoughts can be used to control how we show our feelings. Often I think that by letting my feelings be known that it will upset someone. I hate upsetting people especially those close to me. I feel that if I hide my feelings, then I am in control, no-one else can control my thoughts or feelings. No-one sees me hurting inside . No-one can ask questions. That way I don't have to answer.

I find it so hard to let my feelings out and I know I have to if I want to help myself. Hopefully with help, I'll be able to express how I feel, good or bad, and then maybe I will feel better about myself.

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