AFFIRMING OURSELVES HELPS THE HEALING PROCESS

Our abusers had to have control to keep us from telling. As a small child we believed whatever they told us. We were just children living in an adult world of deceit, lies, and the feeling of always being afraid. If you are an incest survivor as I am, I found the love I was seeking from my father, because I never received it from my mother.

My father was the kind one who never hit me and showed me love, but the wrong kind, but as a child I didn't realize it. I knew what he did didn't feel right, but I didn't stop it, and as I got older I blamed myself because I didn't say no, I didn't
tell.

How does a child tell? We are small, we had no control over what was done to us. We as the adult now must realize that we were NEVER to blame, no matter what.

This is where the affirmations come in. We need to affirm to tell ourselves it's ok, "I was not to blame, I was that small child who had no voice."

We must love that small child "Our Inner Child" because she/he is waiting for us, waiting to be affirmed, tell her that you love her, that she is safe. She/he may not hear you at first, but if you keep talking to her/him, little by little they will start to trust you. Remember the "inner child" in us has been locked up inside for years, mine has been for almost 55 years because for one thing I didn't even know that she existed in me until I started to do some Inner child work with my therapist. At first I thought it was silly and crazy to talk to yourself, but that is how we reach her/him, by becoming that child again, getting on the floor, playing with toys, colouring, going for a swing, everything a child wanted to do but couldn't because she/he was too afraid.

The abuser held us captive, a "trophy" for his shelf so to speak. Our little selves were so scared, that all we could do is cope,, anyway that helped us to try and gain control , but often times it failed, we often chose the wrong pathway, we held it all inside of us. That is something I did for almost my whole life. AS a child I was quiet, always keeping quiet, anything that was done to me either sexually by my father, or my mother's cousin, or done emotionally and physically by my mother. I carried all the hurt inside of me, for only myself to feel, it was my secret. I didn't know how to say kind things to myself, would often hate myself,, wish I was dead, hated being adopted into this family, these were all I knew only negative not kind thoughts.

But, we need to tell ourselves that we are good, we need to love ourselves and to say "I love me, I am good, God loves me, so I must be a good person, because God doesn't make junk." Telling ourselves over and over that we are worth all there is to live for. That we want to live and leave our past behind us especially if we want to heal inside.

As we are healing, the negativity we feel will often come out and we may feel that we are making no progress, and then we just want to give up, we say "what's the use, I don't care any more," but we need to care, care for our little selves who are too afraid to speak out. Affirmations are a very positive way of getting the feeling of loving ourselves. Don't be afraid to say all the positive things that you never heard as a child

You're stupid..........................say, no I am not, I am smart, God gave me a great
brain to learn with

You are ugly...........................say no, I am beautiful inside and out

You are lazy...........................say No I am not lazy

You are good at nothing.........Say I have a lot of good qualities inside of me, I am
caring and loving

These are some of the affirmations you could say to yourself, of course there are many more, but say affirmations to yourself every day, and you will start believing it.

When you finally believe what you are saying, then your healing journey is beginning. We can't change if you don't start the healing process.

I was stuck in time for so many years, that I found it too hard to change. I lived my childhood doing as I was told, always pleasing, but inside I was hurting, but no-one could see it, only me. As an adult, I kept that buried, not revealing my secret to my husband until about 15 years ago, what a relief I felt inside like the world was lifted from my shoulders.

If there is someone you can tell, tell them, let it out, this is another start to your road in healing. Don't hide from yourself, above all make you number one, you are the the important one in all this, you and that small inner child that is locked up. When you send affirmations to her, you are affirming yourself also. Being negative will only drive you deeper into the world of self pity, you will always be "stuck," the past will always control you. I am willing to let go and be more positive, to live, how about you? Do you want to be stuck in the past, do you want the past to rule your everyday life? I hope you can answer No to this. Be positive, affirm yourself and that little child in you. Healing is a long journey, but so worth it. For me, it has taught me so much, has taught me who I really am, that I can control my life now, although sometimes I fall back two steps and must re-affirm that it's ok, it will get better.

Your life is your destiny. Take control of it, release yourself and that inner child inside of you. Tell yourself that you are going to be ok, you are loved, and are an important person, take that control away from the abuser,, show them that we are not in control and we love ourselves above everything else....I hope that this helps you in your journey to heal and affirm who you are...God Bless!!!!

I CAN'T GIVE UP

This is for all the victims out there, who want so much to be a survivor...It will happen for you, I promise one day it will.....

I CAN'T GIVE UP

Torturous images brought my world to a halt

So many years of heartache, reliving the abuse,

Trying so hard to hang onto something concrete

But often just feeling "oh what is the use."

My mind in a haze not knowing what to do

Give up, and let my abuser be king,

Or fight for my life, to live and stand strong

But so many visions in my eyes, with tears that sting.

I want to be a survivor

And hold my head up high,

To make my heart feel love within

No more tears that make me cry.

So I can't give in, I need to stay strong

Release the past, tell my inner child evil is done,

Gently I whisper and hold her so tight

Soon we will be strong enough to be one.

written by Mary Graziano 

August 10, 2012

CHILDHOOD VICTIMS AND SURVIVORS OF ABUSE

We as childhood victims and survivors of abuse are often caught in a trap of living in the past because we can't escape the horrendous things done to us, and often don't know how to live a life of being free from our abusers. But with help from a therapist we can begin to understand that it will get better and I can attest to that. I have struggled long and hard but with my therapists help and the love and support from this group I have been able to finally move on and have started to leave the past behind to a certain extent.

It's not an easy thing for us to do and many victims are trapped in the deep abyss and can't release the "inner child that lives within us.The pain and sadness, the memories that we feel inside us belong to our "inner child."  Everything that happened to us is stored here with our "inner child," whether we remember it or not, it is there for safe keeping, perhaps for a time when the memories do come forth, a time when we are able to handle those memories, then this is the time that we are able to process what happened to us, our minds are telling us it is okay, we are safe now, and our minds bring the memories forward for us to accept.  

Our "inner children" have been hurt, wounded beyond a doubt.  Some children are very sensitive to what has happened or just sensitive in general, and when a tragic event has happened to them, they are not able to handle this.  They shut down, withdraw within themselves.  I know that I was and still am very sensitive.  When I was hurt as that small child, sexually, physically, and emotionally, I kept everything inside myself, for the most part of my life. I cringed when my mother spoke to me, wondering what was coming next.  I shut down, when my father sexually abused me, tried to take myself away while it happened, but for the most part this never happened, I stayed in the present, frozen, to let him do whatever he wanted to me. 

In adulthood, we feel the pain from our childhood, never forgetting what it has done to us..Sometimes an event can happen that triggers the memories or flashbacks, 

 Often times we just want to give up because we feel that it is hopeless. But we can't give into our abusers, we can't let them win we must fight for all it is worth to get out of the "chains" that bind us to our abusers.

We can make a positive step by beginning our journey out from the negative and start by saying "I am alive, I have gotten away from the monster who stole my childhood from me, these are positive steps toward our healing. This step took me a very long time to even comprehend and I still struggle with it even today. Some days are going to be worse than others as we struggle to with flashbacks and triggers that will affect us in our everyday lives.

To think positive is to gain strength within ourselves. We can gain gratitude in realizing that we have become a stronger person because of what we went through, we have survived. I know that many will not think that to be abused in the horrific way that stole our childhood, our dignity, our self worth, our self esteem, how can we be grateful and positive? But we can if only in baby steps to start out with, thank God that you made it out alive where many didn't many have died and didn't have the chance to be free. I never thought of it this way at first but now I can see how true this statement is. I want to be free, I don't want to be caught in the trap of being in the past and letting my abuser win. This is a positive step a journey of healing and you can do this also if you want it bad enough. Yes, what happened to us was deplorable something that we wouldn't wish on our worse enemy, but we can learn from this that we can release ourselves, release that inner child within us tell her/him that he can't hurt her/him anymore, but if you still want to live in the past then you are not moving forward, you are not taking that first step in you're healing and all you will have in you're life I,s the negativity that comes from the abuser who controls you, you are again trapped inside yourself.

Baby steps with positives thoughts and gratitude, you are alive, you are a survivor and have made it. Don"t let them win and take over that inner child within you because if you do you will never be set free. I pray that you will begin your journey to the positive, to gain strength in knowing that you can start and let go of the past. God bless you all.

ABUSE IT SHATTERS ALL CHILDREN

Sitting by the window

With a glazed look in her eyes,

Watching children playing

Their laughter makes her cry.

Wishing she was out there

To play amongst her friends,

But mommy keeps her hidden

For the bruises, they must mend.

Abuse, it shatters all children

We often don't hear them cry,

I silently let it all happen

And many times I wished I did die.

No love did I feel, it was lonely

So many children feel this too,

Can't cry, that would make it so ugly

So stay silent, that was my only cue!!

I wish I could free all the children

Who live daily with issues of abuse,

Take them far from the clutches of all monsters

Who raped them and wouldn't set them loose.

How I cry when I think back to my childhood

How forlorn and lost was I,

Still reminded of this torment

My eyes they sometimes still cry.

To think back at myself at the window

Wanting so much to go out and play,

How many more children still do this

Dear God keep them safe, I do pray.

Hush,, my sweet innocent children

God has a plan for each of you,

God's plan for me was to help others

And now His plan it has finally come true.

Just remember to trust in our Father

He is Our Saviour, our Guiding light,

Together we will take down the evil

By standing tall, we will fight for our rights.

Written by Mary Graziano

August 12, 2012

MY WISH FOR ABUSED CHILDREN

If I could be an angel

I would set all children free,

Wipe away their tears from their cheeks so soft

And keep them close to me.

I would seal away the darkness

From the memories from all abuse,

Take away the shame they feel inside

That keeps them constricted as if in a noose.

Show them the love that eluded them

Give them hugs that they so deserve,

And create a world of happiness

Because life threw them such a curve.

But how can I be that angel

How can I set the children free,

How can I protect and keep them

Safe from harm and close to me.

I pray that God will hear me

And send His guidance from above,

Some protection that will keep them safe

And shower them with much love.

This is my wish for all children

And I hope one day it will come true,

But I am only one person

But I hope others will see my view.

All the abused and neglected children in the world need us to show them that we are trying so hard to protect and save them from their lives from abuse. We can't hide, and pretend that it's not happening, it happened to us, to me, and I don't want another child to have to go through the horrendous things that some had to endure during their childhood. We need to let the world know that its our duty as adults to let the children be heard, and shout it out for all to hear that abuse of any kind is wrong, so wrong. Just think that right this minute a child is being abused, physically, emotionally, sexually, and some are even murdered or never found. Can you hide from this? Can you bury your head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen? I know I can't I was that child many years ago, and incest survivor, a survivor from physical and emotional abuse, I can't hide and turn the other way and pretend it didn't happen. We need to speak out and protect the children of our future, so that abuse will hopefully one day be eradicated, that is my wish for all children of abuse.

Written by Mary Graziano August 12, 2012