My Victim Impact Statement to my father who thought it was ok to use me for his pleasures. I am a survivor of incest by my adopted father.

 "Dad, you used me for your own pleasure, at first starting out small, touching and fondling me, then probing your fingers inside of me. Oh how I hated what you did, but I kept quiet because I was afraid if I said anything I wouldn't be believed. Why? Why did you do this to me? Was it because you knew I wouldn't say anything, knowing I was a very quiet solemn, child, afraid to use my voice, you took advantage of that to use me for your f**king pleasure. Why couldn't you just be the dad who gave me the love that I never experienced by my mom. You loved me yes, you took me fishing all the time and I loved that, these were happy times that I enjoyed doing with you. but then there was that evil side to you, who took advantage of my naivety, who climbed into bed with me after I cried when I was about 5, because I thought there was bee in my room.   You came in a said it was a mosquito, then said, " Ill stay with you until you fall asleep." You laid behind me and wrapped you large hands around me, I remember so well how much I hated feeling you against me rubbing yourself against me, then finally after making some sounds you stopped. I had no clue as to why. All I knew is I hated it, It didn't feel right to me.

Why? These whys I know I will never have the answers to, because you are now dead.   You were the only one who showed me love, but dad it was the wrong kind of love. As I got older you became more aggressive, forcing me to lay on the couch while you kissed and touched me all over.  Then there was the horrible degrading, ugly things that you did, forcing me to have anal sex with you. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS, ALL I KNEW WAS THAT IT HURT SO MUCH. Remembering this hurts me now. It was like you were a "Jekyll and Hyde, I HATED WHAT YOU DID.

No one came to my rescue because they didn't know, everyone thought you were the perfect father and husband, kind, loving towards everyone.  If I had told who would have believed me? NO ONE..So I stayed quiet, pretending that everything was ok, but on the inside I was dying, feeling so ashamed, guilty because I thought it was something I did, that I was at fault. You weren't suppose to touch me you weren't suppose to hurt me, you were suppose to be my dad. You were suppose to love me as your daughter, NOT you're play thing. Memories go back as young as 2, but all I know is that something happened, something that was not right.

I carried this inside of me for 45 years, until I got up the nerve to finally tell someone, then my healing began. You didn't know or mom why I was in the hospital 2 times once for 4 months and once for 2 months.  You thought it was because of your granddaughter, when she gave us so much trouble, but it wasn't dad IT WAS YOU!!!! YOU PUT ME THERE, YOU MADE ME SUICIDAL, TAKING STUPID TYLENOL FOR A YEAR, YOU DID IT.
If only I could have told you, but I couldn't, I was to quiet, I had no voice. This is where the abuser wins but guess what. I NOW HAVE A VOICE AND I WILL NOT LET ABUSERS WIN, I WILL BE THE VOICE FOR OTHER CHILDREN SO THAT THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO THEM!!!"

Mary Graziano©

2013

TEARS OF A CHILD

Slowly a tear trickles

Down her cheek

Her mind recalls the pain,

Blinking eyes that

Squeeze the tears

A pool forms

The table stains.

Her face shows signs

Of strain and strife

Her crooked smile is gone,

Alone she sits

Alone she cries

What did she

Do so wrong.

Confused she wonders

What is love

So much doubt

Played in her mind,

They were suppose

To nurture her

Eyes sad

They never shined.

My idea of love

Was the pain I felt

From the touches

That felt so wrong,

He said it was his way

To show his love

And with him 

I did belong.

Three little words

so hard to say

For me they

Were locked away,

Hidden from my world

That stood so still

My heart how 

It hurt that day.

So many little children

Who were hurt and so ashamed

Lived their lives unloved

They felt the same as me,

A love so wrong

They were confused

But they succumbed

It's what they believed.

Children never had the chance to feel real love when they lived with abuse.  All they knew was the wrong, uncaring ways of their parents who were suppose to show them the TRUE MEANING OF LOVE.  But they faced cruel, unloving words that hurt.  Words that crushed them, words that devoured them into believing that what was said was true.

"I love you," was not true. Those words were meant for us to think that we were loved, while we were abused, that they said it to show love that they thought was how it was suppose to be portrayed.  They brainwashed us into believing that this was REAL love.  Most of us as small children believed it.  Why wouldn't we.  We believed that if we did what they wanted they would love us, in a real way.  We were children, living in an adult world, living by their rules.  Thinking that this was how everyone must have lived and after many many years of living this way, we finally find out and say, "Hey, wait a minute, this was not suppose to happen, he was not suppose to touch me, sexually abuse me, that is nor normal."  But by the time we find out, we are so screwed up inside.  It takes years and years of therapy to realize that we were the victims, we were loved in the wrong way.

We suffer, some in silence, some in other ways, drugs, alcohol, becoming abusers ourselves, all because we were victimized, shown things that we should never have known.

WE WERE LOVED THE WRONG WAY~~~

"I LOVE YOU" Turned out to be~~~

"I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU, THAT IS MY LOVE TO YOU"

WE NEED TO PUT A STOP TO THIS BY SPEAKING OUT, BY SHOWING TRUE LOVE, BY BEING THE VOICES OF ALL THE CHILDREN WHO ARE TRAPPED BY LIES, WHO DON'T KNOW THE REAL MEANING OF LOVE

All I wanted was to hear the words "I love you" that's all I wanted~

Mary Graziano ©

Artwork by Water Colour Artist 

and Friend

Michal Madison

www.michalmadisonart.com