Dear God

DEAR GOD

Dear God, I was bad today
Mommy just told me so,
Don't know how I could have stopped
Just thought you'd want to know.

When I awoke this morning
And got up out of bed,
I had an accident in my pants
Oh No!!!!!!Mommy's eyes saw red.

She threw me hard against the floor
I cried in pain and fear,
I tried to cover my ears so tight
So the words I would not hear.

"You dirty, dirty, little thing"
These words were etched in place,
She took my panties off from me
And rubbed poop right in my face.

Oh how I cried, but, with a slap
I shut my mouth that day,
I learned to keep it all inside
Or else I would have to pay.

Dear God I wish that you would speak
To mommies everywhere,
And tell them what they do is wrong
It's just to much to bare.

And try and make them understand
That the hurt is so very real,
The outer scars will go away
But our inner self won't heal.

I know I'm just a little girl,
But I know you understand,
And I can come and talk to you
And walk with you hand in hand.

So God I just wanted you to know
Why I was so bad,
Why my mommy got mad at me
And why I feel so sad.

I know I can always count on you
When mommy doesn't care
For you will always comfort me
When I'm hurt and life's not fair.

 Mary Graziano ©
8/23/08
_________________

IT SHOULDN'T HURT TO BE A KID

IT SHOULDN'T HURT TO B A KID
Internalized feelings are how she coped
Too scared to say just how she felt,
She was on her own, there was no hope
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
She thought she learned what was right from wrong
But you twisted the truth and screwed with her mind,
She thought it was normal for so long
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
Oh how it haunted her for all her life
The depths of despair that ran so deep,
It hurt so much it stung like a knife
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
She would often pretend that all was good
But deep inside she knew the truth,
Of who she was and where she stood
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
You tore her down with your words so cruel
It left her helpless and so forlorn,
That her tears fell down and formed a pool
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
So much sadness is what she often felt
No angels to save her, to keep her safe,
Only pain and bruises that formed a welt
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
It should be a time for fun and laughter
Instead, you took it all away,
You were the monster who attacked her
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
Where is the fairness in all of this
How can the little ones defend themselves,
Happiness is what they do miss
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.
written by Mary G

BUT I'M JUST A LITTLE GIRL


She listens for his footsteps
As she lay in bed at night,
Her pounding heart is what she hears
Her fists are clenched so tight.


She feels his presence close to her
She knows he's by her side,
She knows what will happen next
She wishes she could die.


He slips his hand inside her shirt
She cringes deep inside,
Her spirit's gone forever now
She crawls inside and hides.


He fondles her as she lay still
She wants to scream and shout,
What makes him do these awful things
What brought it all about?


She waits for him to go away
So she could finally sleep,
Her pillow is her comfort zone
She buries her face and weeps.


She buries everything deep inside
She mustn't make a peep,
Self esteem does not exist
Her pain is oh so deep.


Who will come to rescue her
To save her from abuse?
No-one comes at any time
Oh what, oh what's the use.


She cries alone in silence
So that no-one could ever see,
The look of fear upon her face
She wishes she were free.


Free from all the loneliness
Free from the abuse,
Free to stand up for herself
Oh God what is the use.


She's sure it must have been her fault
To let him have his way,
With all the hurtful things he did
Day after day after day


But who would believe her story
They would say she made it up,
Wanting to get attention
For all this stupid stuff.


She cringes as he grabs her
And presses her to him
Her mind she lets to wander
So what he's doing seems very dim.


He asks her if she likes it
What is she suppose to say?
She wishes he would hurry up
Then maybe he'd go away.


She carries this awful secret
And pretends that all is good,
She goes about her daily life
As any good daughter would.


She hates herself for what he did
To her all through those years,
The guilt she feels keeps pouring in
There are still so many tears.


Those many years of silence
Hurt her deep within her heart,
How does she manage to forgive someone
Who tore her all apart?


His life is almost over now
But that doesn't change the fact,
That he did these awful things to her
Those horrid despicable acts.


She tries so hard to let it go
But visions they always creep,
Inside her head to play again
The pain is oh so deep.


How does she win this battle
When will it ever end?
That little girl is all grown up
There's a message she must send.


A message that he can't hurt her now
It happened so long ago,
She has to let it lay to rest
So she can move on and grow.


I am that little girl you see
Who fights this demon still,
I don't know how to stop the pain
Or if I have the will.


I pray that I will have the strength
To keep bad thoughts at bay,
To sweep them up and throw them out
It is the only way.


If I were able to erase
The memories from deep inside,
And show that little girl in me
That she need not fear or hide.


I will try my best to protect her
To keep her close to me,
To let her know our lives are one
That one day she'll be set free.


Free from all the torment,
That eats away inside,
To finally close this chapter
Of the life that she did hide.


I will close the door so gently
And throw away the key,
So the little girl within me
Will hopefully be set free.

written by Mary G. ©

Monster in the Shadows

MONSTER IN THE SHADOWS

Alone to face the monster

Alone she sheds a tear,

She cringes in the darkness

As a shadow does appear.

Her eyes she squeezes tightly

So she doesn't see a thing

The monster's close beside her

His words oh how they sting.

Her mind goes round in circles

Her heart beats like a drum,

Pounding fast inside her

Her body feels so numb.

His hands caress her body

Inside herself she screams,

She prays for God to help her

To make this all a dream.

But the night is so long and scary

She wishes she could die

To rid her of this monster

She often questions why?

Why does he do these awful things

What gives this man the right

To take a child so innocent

To be used for his delight.

Her body feels so dirty

She just can't ease the pain,

Of what this monster did to her

The sheets her tears do stain.

Shaking from the trauma

In her mind she runs away,

Far from the emotional anguish

To a safe place where she can stay.

A mountain brook so tranquil
With no-one else around,
She listens to the waterfall
Peace is what she's found.

Then peace recedes, the present comes
To laugh at her defeat,
She just can't face another day
From this monster who won't retreat.

She feels the shame of what he did
Is she the evil one?
To let this monster have his way
But then where would she run.

She hides her shame within herself
Her self-worth will not be whole,
The guilt that he has put on her
Takes over her mind, her body, and soul.

She speaks no words, they won't come out
But the hurt can be seen in her eyes,
Someday, somehow, she'll change all that
The day when evil dies.
 Mary Graziano ©
July 16/08

Memories

FLASHBACKS

Piercing words, they hurt so much
Racing through my mind,
A frightened child retreats in fear
Herself she cannot find.

I can't escape the visions
That play deep inside my head,
They never stop re-playing
To be awake is what I dread.

I see a child so tiny
In her crib she cried and cried,
The shape she saw was haunting
In her thoughts it does reside.

So many times I try to shun
The memories I do see,
To hard to fight, I scream inside
Please God, just set me free.

The wholeness inside has been destroyed
She knows not how to fight,
She covers her ears and rocks herself
Her feelings are so contrite.

Reliving all these memories
Constricts your way of life,
It takes away the joy you seek
It cuts through you like a knife.

The solemn look of sadness
Is frozen on her face,
No smile to show some happiness
She just sits and takes up space.

I can't find the rage or anger
To express just how I feel,
They're deep inside and locked up tight
The numbness is just so real.

She doesn't know how to love herself
Hate is what she feels,
No hug to keep her safe at night,
Only fear, when her body he steals.

I mourn so much for myself so small
But I can't reach out to touch
I feel I have deserted her
I want to help so much.

She felt the anguish inside herself
Too much pain, so much distress,
It created a void, no existence
She cringed when he tried to caress.

Too many years to carry
This burden I have inside,
My mind is like a time bomb
There's just nowhere I can hide.

She feels just like a rag doll
To be used and ripped apart,
She wishes for deliverance
To get a fresh new start.

The flashbacks keep repeating
I feel I'll lose my mind,
Can't banish what happened so long ago
To this fate I am resigned.

written by Mary G.


AS adults survivors of child abuse, we often struggle with flashbacks. Flashbacks are recollections from the past. Triggers can bring on a flashback and it can be very distressing. I find it very scary and so real, that I forget that it has happened in the past and is not happening now. The flashbacks are so powerful that I have a hard time letting go, and for me they are there constantly. Trying to be kind to myself is so hard to do, and trying to reach that inner child and tell her that all will be ok, that I am here for her, is also something that I need to practice, because reaching her is so hard to do, and makes me so sad inside. I find the flashbacks keep me trapped and a prisoner in my self. I so much want to be free of them to live a life where I can be happy and know that nothing can ever hurt me again.