MY SHAME MY BLAME

Cramped inside myself, I hide

Like a cocoon that's wrapped up tight,

Filthy words that speak to me

My mind, it just can't fight.

Hideous creatures grab hold, abuse

Eyes peering back at me,

I hear my little self scream out

Please help, please set me free.

Over-powered, I'm trapped, I can't escape

Can't reach out to set her free,

They make me watch, I cry in shame

Of these images I don't want to see.

Scoffing, they laugh at my defeat

As the memories of my little self unwind

Too young to face the wrong they did

Can't cope, she floats from my mind.

To escape her cocoon, as a butterfly

To flee the wrath at hand,

Fly high above the clouds so white

Viewing mountains that are so grand.

But her glimpse of happiness erodes away

As reality strikes back and wins,

It takes her back to the abusers at hand

As they take her, her mind does spin.

I need to reach my little self

To free her from this hell

But all I see is their dirty deeds

She's rigid, caught under their spell.

I bare the scars that I carry still

So much shame is what I see,

I feel I'm to blame for my little self

Because I just can't set her free.

So she crawls back into that cocoon so tight

Wondering when that day will be,

I just don't have an answer for her

There is no guarantee.

Written by Mary Graziano

June 2, 2012

I wrote this poem because I have so many feelings of blame still for myself that I must heal from. The shame I felt and still feel to this day still haunt me. I blame myself for not being able to free my little self from all the hurt and abuse she suffered when she was suppose to have been loved and protected.

DAMAGED

Did my mother 
Really love me

When she whacked 
Me hard that day,

My knees were scraped
 And bleeding

No, “I'm sorry,”
 Did she say.

She'd shake me hard
 And tell me

How stupid and
 Dumb I was

I'd cringe but
 I believed it

And would often
 Wonder why.

She'd lock me outside
 in the winter time,

I didn't know
 Where to go,

So I'd just cry and 
Stay out in the backyard

Hours freezing 
Out in the snow.

Some kids had
 Birthday parties

I never 
Remembered one,

No birthday cake
 To share, so sad

It would have 
Been so much fun.

“I love you” is
 So hard for me

To even say today,

I never heard
 It growing up

Why did it happen
To me this way.

My dad would 
Take me fishing

And that was 
So much fun,

But he still found 
Time to abuse me

I was scared, 
No-where to run.

I wished I felt
 Some anger

So I could have 
Screamed at him, 

But I didn't have 
It in me to say

You're a bastard, go to hell!!!

As I write my inner 
Thoughts and words,

I feel sorry for 
What I have said,

But I need to 
Express my feelings

Or they will explode
 Right in my head.

There's so many things
 I need to say

To both you my
 Mom and dad,

But now it's to late
 To tell you

That I wasn't
 Really bad.

Mom, I know 
I haven't visited

Your grave site
 Much this year,

I feel
 So very guilty

Too many memories
 Are what I fear.

Dad I'm sorry
 I have yet to come

To your grave 
Since you have died,

But you were
 My abuser

And my question 
That I ask is WHY.

Why did you hurt
 My little self

She cared, love 
Is what she did give,

Now she's lost,
 I can't reach out to her

You've drained
 Her will to live.

She sits and cries 
In loneliness

No future 
Does she see,

I just can't forgive 
You for what you did

You damaged 
That child in me.

 Mary Graziano ©

June 3, 2012

These words that I wrote was my inner child crying out wanting answers to why she and other children like her endured so much pain growing up. The emptiness she feels inside crushes her very soul, and my adult self is crushed beyond belief because I can't reach out and hug and tell her everything is going to be ok. Abuse of any kind is so very damaging to little children, and is so hard to repair, and as adults we feel their hurt and I think the only way to be a survivor is to be able to save them and tell them that they are safe now and can be free from the heartache that they feel inside.

THE OBJECT ON THE WALL

I remember oh so vivid

But how, I was maybe two,

Standing in my crib that day

Frightful tears, what could I do.

I stared and stared so blankly

At the object on the wall,

Why was I afraid to look

I curled up into a ball.

But when my eyes did open wide

The object was still there,

Again the tears were spewing out

Too much, too much to bare.

A bed stood close right by my crib

But blackness is all I see,

Then there I am lying on the bed

And a man lying next to me.

There is nothing else I remember

Just that little tot so small,

Caught up in a web so tightly

With that cigar shape on the wall.

That shape! That shape!

It haunts me still, right to this very day

Why did I see it on the wall

What's the significance, my mind is frayed.

I need to help my “Inner Child”

And tell her that she is safe,

But it tears me apart to see her

My crying little waif.

My mind has blocked parts of this memory

It crushes my very soul,

I need to know what happened

It scares me it's taking its tole.

When will my inner child be safe

And fly high on an eagle's wing,

Where laughter fills her heart and soul

And her voice oh how she will sing.

This chapter is not yet over

The pieces all need to fit in,

So calmness can come to my inner child

And the bad memories will never win.

Written by Mary Graziano

May 5, 2012

MY INNER CHILD AND I

The windows of darkness steals her soul

Takes her to the deep abyss,

Where her cries are left unheard

Her self was his, it's what he stole.

Cold, so cold, her feelings deep

No-where to turn, weary she sits

Frightened and lonely, so scared to reach out

No faith, no hope, she sits and weeps.

My adult self I'm lost within

Powerful memories, that clench me tight,

Engulfs my mind so I don't forget

So close am I to just give in.

Oh how I cry for my self so small

Forlorn and lost, so out of reach,

Whispering gently, I tell her I'm here

I'll keep you safe, tear down your wall.

Her eyes, the window of so much hurt

Deep within, she has no trust,

blame is what she puts on her self

Shackled to the memories, with no self worth.

Her voice so silent, I listen in hope

But gone is she, my mind does scream,

DON'T go, hang on, I love you, I cried

Without you I'm scared, I just can't cope.

In a corner she sits, the darkness her sky

Nothing I say will win her trust,

She's resigned herself to the fate at hand

In herself she sees that's the way she'll die.


written by Mary Graziano 
May/2012

My inner child is hurting with pain, frustrated and neglected, abused and ignores me. She is hidden from view so deeply hidden, nothing will help with her escape.

I write this and share this with you as these are my feelings, my hurt, my pain right now, trying so hard to reach that little child in me and I can't, I wrote this for all those who are also having a hard time reaching out to your inner child, just know that we are not alone♥

I wrote this poem because a dear dear friend has been affected by Domestic abuse and violence.  She is very special to my heart and it hurts me so much to know that she had to endure this terrible injustice to her.  She will forever bare the scars from her abusers, even now after all these years she lives in severe pain and  has many many medical problems..  

Kris I dedicate this poem to you..Love you to the moon and back ♥♥

VICTIM OR SURVIVOR

Tear drops form upon her cheek

Her eyes are filmed with tears,

Swollen from the beatings

Crying softly, so no one hears.

Too afraid to run for safety

To live a life of peace,

She knows that he will find her

And the beatings will never cease.

She hears his pounding footsteps

She cringes deep inside,

Can't bare to look as he comes in

But there's no where she can hide.

His eyes so dark and evil

His fists were clenched so tight,

His nostrils flared insanely

Oh what gives him the right.

"Please don't hurt me," she begged of him

I'll do anything you say,

Nothing he heard would change his mind

As he cracked her head that day.

You're MINE to do as I do please

You'll NEVER be set free,

And he threw her down upon the floor

Cracked her ribs hard with his knee.

She cried so hard, but all in vain

A blow went to her head,

Blood poured out, she lost consciousness

As he threw her on the bed.

He ripped her clothing from her

She wished that she were dead,

To end the years of torment

For she knew what lay ahead.

When done he lay beside her

His stench, it made her sick,

Too afraid to make a sound or stir

The hours, how the clock did tick.

She waited as he fell asleep

To wash the grime away,

The water felt good upon her face

Dear God, please help, she prayed.

No answer came from God above

As she dried away the tears,

She knew she'd face his wrath again

It followed her through the years.

The beatings have taken a toll on her

Her body is racked in pain,

She knows that by staying with him

She will never be the same.

One day she gets the courage

To leave this man so cruel,

To get some help before she dies

GUILTY, the judge did rule.

I am not a victim anymore

I'm a SURVIVOR, is what she said,

No silence will I give them

Our voices they will dread!!!

Written by Mary Graziano

May 4, 2012