MY HEART IT JUST WON'T HEAL

Living in the present

With thoughts that I can't conceal,

Images flashing in my head

My heart, it just won't heal.

Why can't I just forget the past

The visions are still real,

Every day it eats away at me

My heart, it just won't heal.

Some days it feels like yesterday

I cringe at what I feel,

I see his hand upon my self

My heart, it just won't heal.

No words are spoken of what he did

Hidden away as if concealed,

To later come back and haunt me

My heart, it just won't heal.

It makes me cry and sick inside

That part of me he did steal,

Never to be whole again

My heart, it just won't heal.

So many times I wished I died

To escape from my ordeal,

To be whole again, this I can't attain

My heart it just won't heal.

Artwork by my amazing friend
Michal Madison
www.michalmadisonart.com

Mary Graziano ©

2012

FLASHBACKS

Flashbacks take us back to the past.  Takes us to a place where we feel trapped.  We envision the trauma that affected us so much that to us it feels so very real, as if we are reliving the abuse all over again.  Visually, we see the abuse happening, we feel it in our every fibre of our being, we hurt all over again. 

The demons have woken up, taking over our minds again, recapturing us, removing us from the present and again taking away our self-esteem that we had started to build up again.

Scared, and defeated, we often feel that sometimes we can't come back to the present quick enough.  WE stay frozen, reliving over and over again all the abuse that stole our innocence, or in the case of Domestic Abuse stole so much of a person's self respect and self-worth, leaving them feeling "nothing."

Our self-worth and self-esteem have been destroyed, leaving us vulnerable to the demons who destroyed it.  We often cannot break free of the flashbacks, whether it was one flashback in particular, or more than one.

We need to realize that the flashbacks that consume us are not going to hurt us any more.  We need to let it come, realize it is there, and then say "Ok, you can now leave, you can't hurt me any more, I am now free of you.  You were my demon, but now you are NOTHING."

We need to remember to always be kind to ourselves as we are healing, remind ourselves that we are worth so much, that we are a loving person, a beautiful person, one who has survived abuse, one who is now free from the abuse that invaded our bodies, our minds and our souls..Don't let the demons who abused you win...make them small, so that they can't hurt us any more..You are the winner, because you came through the abuse whether it was from childhood abuse, like I came through, or Domestic abuse, we are all winners, we are all SURVIVORS!!!!!

written by Mary Graziano

October 16, 2012

copyrighted

SEEING THROUGH TH EYES OF A CHILD
Beautiful watercolour painting by Michal Madison

www.MichalMadisonArt.net/galleries.html

SEEING THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD

How often do we really see through the eyes of a child? How often do we ignore what we are seeing?  Not asking what is wrong, thinking that "oh well they are just having a bad day."  They may show signs of sadness, helplessness, and a general feeling of loneliness. They may feel afraid, feeling unsafe.  A child may keep to themselves, too afraid to say what is bothering them.  Maybe they have been bullied or have no friends at school.  We need to really look into their eyes.  The eyes speak to us, can often tell us how someone is feeling. 

     Often, parents don't look inside the eyes of their child, they don't see the sadness that is there, or may just turn a blind eye to it.  I myself, as a little child have heard my parents argue and fight, although there was never any physical abuse between them, it still hurt me so bad inside. I held it all inside of me, 

 It scared me and made me very sad inside, often thinking it was my fault, that I was to blame for some of the arguing that went on. I would hide in my room, put a pillow over my head so I didn't have to hear my mother screaming.  She was the one who did 99% of the yelling.

     I remember one time my mother walked out of the house after they argued, and I didn't know if she was coming back or not. This was very traumatizing for me, as I was only about 5 at the time,

 My brother and I would keep asking our dad when she was coming home but he never answered.  I was left alone with my dad and my brother, and I can remember one incidence where he would come into my room to tuck me in, and started tickling me, then his hand  touched me on my genitals  and asked me if it tickled.  Me being me, I didn't answer him, hoping he would leave quickly.  That little girl in me was very scared, unsure of what had happened.  So I was caught in a situation where my mother had left (I think it was for a week, which seemed a lifetime), and now my father had the chance to abuse me sexually whenever he felt like it because she wasn't there.

     If only they both had looked inside my eyes, to see the look of sadness that was there.  As I look back on this now, I have an understanding about why I may have been so  solemn and quiet. How many other children have this same feeling inside of them?  How many eyes are being ignored?  How  many parents are not seeing the signs of a child being abused?  It hurts me to see that so  many little ones are going through this, are being ignored or told to just get over feelings that make them sad.  No child should be ignored, no child should feel sad, scared to tell.  But when they are ignored at home, why would they bother to tell? I didn't, I felt often times abandoned, that my feelings never mattered.  But a child's feelings matter just as much as an adults.....Because as they grow up, all the hurt feelings build up causing so many other ailments, depression can set in if it already hasn't.  Suicide, because they feel no one hears them.. Please, look into the eyes of a little child, before it's too late.  Their eyes tell a story~  Will YOU be there for them?

 Mary Graziano ©

Edited April 4, 2014
Artwork by my wonderful friend
Michal Madison ©
www.MichalMadisonArt.net/galleries

Through the Eyes Of A Child

What do you see 

I said to her

I see much sadness 

Of faces with tears,

The look in their eyes 

Shows so much pain

I see the terror 

Of all their fears.

What would you change, 

If ever you could

I would take away their pain 

And hold them tight

And give them hope, 

That they never had

Take away their fears 

From the darkness of night.

What do you feel 

I asked of her

I feel the presence 

Of danger close by,

The shivers of fear 

That makes them weep

I wish I could answer 

Their questions...why.

Why would you 

Take it upon yourself

To do these things, 

To set them right,

Because I know 

The pain they feel

I know of their sadness 

For which they can't fight

But how do you know 

These things I said

You were not there, 

You did not see,

In them I saw 

Myself, she said

Stuck in time, 

I can't get free.

Now that you see 

Through the eyes of a child

Can you stop the blame 

For yourself inside,

I've tried so hard 

To tell myself

The blame is not mine, 

 I needn't hide.

It's not your fault, 

I gently told her

Blame needs to be put 

On him instead,

I know you are right 

Is what she said

Dear God, I thank you 

As she bowed her head.

 Mary Graziano ©

Edited April 4, 2014

Artwork by my wonderful friend

Michal Madison ©

www.MichalMadisonArt.net/galleries.html

NIGHTMARES

As survivors of childhood abuse, we often think that we are now free from our nightmares.  How so very wrong this is.  WE can go along for a long time and think that we are "nightmare  free", then all of a sudden, we go to bed, fall asleep and it starts  all over again.  It feels so wrong, so crippling.  We are caught by the demons of the night.  Abusing us all over again, we can't struggle to free ourselves, we are in it for the duration of the horrible nightmare, we can't escape, the demons have won.

     These nightmares are so very real, grabbing hold of our very being our very soul, reliving the past, the abuser again sabotaged our lives.  When we awake, we are frightened, we are feeling trapped again crying out for help, to be rid of the demons that destroyed us once before and are now trying to destroy us again,

little by little, piece by piece.

     I had these nightmares two nights in a row.  Last night I chose to stay awake because I was afraid of the consequences of what might happen.  I didn't want to face the demons of the night again and couldn't let them win again.  

     Why do we let them control us?  Even in our sleep?  We need to take a deep look inside ourselves, and help ourselves to realize that "it's just a nightmare, it can't hurt us."  Oh how many times I have said that to a victim and survivor.  We can't let the demons control our lives day in and day out.

     Looking deep into myself, I need to tell myself I am not that little girl any more, he can't control me now.  That little girl is all grown up.  Tell my inner child that we are now one, that together we are stronger than the demons, that we have the say as to who controls our body, our mind.  It is up to us.  By doing this we can become strong, we will see that the demons can't hurt us any more.  I was devastated that I had these nightmares.  I didn't think as a survivor that I would have these nightmares again and again, that they were gone never to return.  

     Even as a survivor we are still healing, still climbing to the top of that mountain.  We will struggle with different aspects of our abuse, but we have the control now, not the demons that try and overtake our nights.  I realize now how wrong I  was, to put myself down, that I wasn't strong enough to face these nightmares, but I am strong enough, I have the control, just didn't see it.  At the time my inner self and I are one.  Together we can stand tall, we have the control.

written by Mary Graziano

Sept. 2012

POSITIVITY = GREATER JOY AND FEELINGS

We can be positive....if we choose to

We can be negative...if we only see the bad in everything

We can be positive...if we want joy in our lives

We can be negative...if we stay stuck in the past

We can be positive...if we move forward and not backwards

We can be negative...if that is all you hear and only listen to

We can be positive...if we see the beauty that surrounds us

We can be negative...if we only see the darkness, no light, and only sadness

     The list can go on and on.  We choose whether we want 

to be negative or positive.  Our feelings can determine what it is 

that you want to be.  Our past took all of our

 positive feelings away from us.  

It took away our self esteem, left us feeling “dead” inside

 and many of us still feel this way, but we must try 

and push those feelings away.

We must rejoice in ourselves for being alive,

 that we have made it, even though there are many scars

 that we must bear, but they are reminders

 also that we are survivors, we made it, 

and we can now move on, help others become survivors also.

I was negative for so many years, 

I lost my joy, and only saw the darkness,

 the demons of the night that hurt me.  But as I progressed, 

I realized that staying in the past

 wasn't the answer, moving forward 

and leaving the past behind,

 as hard as it was, was the only way

 that I was going to heal.  

We need to realize, that being in the past

 where all the negativity fuels our mind 

and controls our thoughts, 

is where we lose so much.  

We lose ourselves, our inner self can't heal, 

it is broken down, turned inside out, 

negativity destroys our ability 

to see the good that surrounds us.

We need to destroy the negativity that 

gets pent up inside of us, let it go, leave it behind

 as we leave the past behind, 

reach for the positive that there is in life.  

There is so much positive out there, 

that you can start learning to inhale, 

to keep your mind feeling good, 

because then you will start to feel better, 

and see things in a different light.......So, remember

Positivity = Greater Joy and Feelings

WE ARE HEALING AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

SURVIVORS!!!!!!!

written by Mary Graziano

copyrighted

September 30, 2012