OUR INNER CHILD

OUR INNER CHILD

Our inner child is that small child inside each of us left behind, too afraid to be her/his self.  Abuse stole the abilities for us to really play.  To be ourselves.  We held back. Giving in to the demands of our abuser. Knowing that our lives were no longer ours.  We hid in the background in the deep abyss of our souls.

On the outside, I pretended that all was great within my life.  But deep inside, I felt empty.  My inner child was lost.  The only time I felt a little bit of reprieve was being outside with my friends.  There I was able to play.  I was free from the clutches of my abusers. Away from the verbal assaults and the physical pain of the hitting that I had to endure.

My inner child was able to have some hours of fun.  But, once inside the house she hid away.  Refusing to come out.  My somber look took over my expressions.

Our inner child is sensitive, delicate.  Needs to feel love.  To know that their feelings matter in order to feel alive.  When those feelings are "shot down," not being able to speak and be heard, only told to "shut up," of course they will shut down. Becoming invisible. Crawling deep inside the abyss where they feel safe from the hurtful words, physical attacks and of course, definitely from incest and sexual abuse.

We were children and as children had no rights according to our abusers.  We fell silent. Giving in to what the abuser did and wanted from us.  We felt guilty, ashamed, crying ourselves to sleep at night.  Hoping and praying that no-one came into our rooms.  Our inner child was frozen in time not able to move on.

As we became adults, that little girl or boy is still there, waiting, but no-one listens.  Stuck inside an "adult world."   If we haven't connected with her/him, they are still hiding away in the shadows of our soul.  Afraid and alone.  We continue on with our lives, but the past is still attached to our subconscious. Even though we may think that we are free from it all. But through our actions, not even really knowing it, we are hurting.  We may revert to drug use, etc. Our world was shattered and by acting out or hiding inside ourselves, that was our way of sorting through our feelings.

For myself, I chose to be a quiet person.  Holding my feelings inward.  Too afraid to show them or act upon them.  I knew the consequences if I did something and got caught doing it.  That is how afraid I was of my mother.   Now, I can speak, I don't have to hide in fear.  I have started reconnecting with my inner child.  She is showing her true colours.  She has survived. Now can come out and play freely outside that "box" so to speak.  Sometimes there is resistance from her, but by speaking softly, telling her the past is now gone, she realizes she is now safe. She watches with interest seeing that it is a safe environment to venture forward.

Coming together as one is instrumental in our own healing journey.  I hope that this blog post can help others understand that little child that may be hiding inside of you, afraid and alone, is free to explore outside of the deepest part of your soul.  Into the light.  Into a world that was hidden from her/him
for so many years ~

Mary Graziano ©
June 2, 2014

I love the word "Mindset."  It says so much to us.  You can change your mindset, change it from fixed to growth.  But you have to want to change, you need to feel it inside of you.  Hope also is something that helps you move forward, but only if you change the mindset, and not stay in the fixed.

How many times have you thought of giving up?  Many of us have thought this way, often when we are at our lowest of lows, and we feel that we just can't go on any longer.  That, is your fixed mindset talking.  You have decided that you can't grow, move forward are "stuck."  Often as survivors of abuse, we feel this way for a long time, and fall into that rut, and it is so very hard to come out from it and move forward.  But we CAN'T give up says "Growth  mindset."  We can't give up on the hopes of a better tomorrow, the hopes of fulfilling our greatest potentials, to moving forward and surpassing what was.

You can choose that negative or fixed mindset or push on to that positive mindset and meet your challenges, and live to enjoy what you have missed.

We as survivors have met many challenges along our path of healing.  Hope gave us the chance, gave us the courage to face the past, encouraged us to move forward in our journey from the depths of despair and face our fears. That is what a survivor does, never gives up, uses a mindset of growth to achieve what they want in life.

Hope is God's unconditional love, helping us choose the right mindset.  Just like the butterfly on their long dauntless journey, they fought hard to travel the thousands of miles to reach their final destination. They used a mindset of growth knowing that they could achieve what they set out to do.  Close your eyes, envision the beautiful butterfly soaring high, exhausted, but pursuing their difficult challenges, never giving up.

Having the courage to go on, having hope, THAT gives us the will to fight, to never say ~"I CAN'T."  YES, YOU CAN!!!!  We are not called survivors for nothing.  God helped us get through the horrors of abuse.  He has a plan for each of us, some of us still not understanding what that plan is, but you will know when the time is right.  Sometimes I think that what I went through was for a reason, it was somehow meant to happen, as crazy as that sounds.  But to me if it never happened, I would not be doing what I am doing now...I would not be an independent advocate for abuse.   I would not be writing my poetry like I am.  We can look at it in a negative (fixed mindset) or in a positive (growth mindset).  The choice is yours, but I think looking at it as a positive, will help you get through your fears, get through the past that kept you trapped, and still keeps you trapped because you feel you can't get out from under it.

Hope is a miracle that gives us a reason to live.  Never ever give up, hope transcends all....As growth mindset says to fixed, "anything is possible if you believe."

FIXED OR GROWTH MINDSET

Fixed mindset,- powerful
But it can be changed
In so many ways
With hard work
Don't let anyone
Stop you.

Grow, move forward
Don't be afraid,
Mindset that is fixed
Will make you feel
Unworthy, trapped
Within yourself.

Your abilities won't grow
Achieve with success,
If you keep your mind fixed
Feeling what a loser you are
Your mind will no longer think,
You're stuck tightly in that rut.

Growth mindset is
So very important,
Boosting your morale
There is so much
You can achieve,
Nothing is ever impossible.

I can't do it,
Fixed mindset does say,
Growth mindset says
There is no such word,
Anything is possible
If you truly BELIEVE~~~

Mary Graziano ©
May 22, 2014

Child Inside

CHILD INSIDE

I have a tiny child inside

Who so badly is wanting

To come out,

But when she feels

She has the courage

She retreats, still too afraid,

I need to try and convince her

 The numbness, 

And the fear she feels

 No longer can keep her prisoner,

Now is her chance to let it go.

The past is gone, it's time

To move forward

As I whispered and 

Called her name,

Come play with me

Let's have some fun, 

Experience laughter

Like a little child should,

All that happiness which had

Been squandered, 

Leaving you so unfulfilled.

Slowly the door from the inside

Creaks open, as she takes a peek,

Unsure, but as 

Curiosity takes over

Her green eyes brighten

To see her adult self,

Warmly, I say I love you

As she smiles, I return her gaze,

 There is so much love

Flowing between us

Tears well up inside my eyes.

Gently, I embrace her warmly

 I can feel the love 

That was amiss for too long,

She's blooming just like a flower

Finally free to see the light

 That for a time was so foreboding

How proudly she takes a stand,

Just like each petal on the flower

Happily displaying its own true self

Endearingly we come together

Never again, will we ever part.

Mary Graziano ©

May 4, 2014

Title "Child Inside"

And watercolour 

By Michal Madison

Copyright 2014

Visit www.MichalMadisonArt.net

To purchase art, 10% of every sale

Is donated to ending child abuse.

The Forgotten Children ©

Thank you to Debbie Naylor Cox for putting the video together, To Michal Madison for allowing us to use her beautiful watercolour paintings, and to George Robertson for putting my poem to music and singing it for me.  Without all of you, this video would not be possible. Love you all.

WE NEED TO HAVE HOPE~ 

 Being a survivor from incest, physical and emotional, and sexual abuse by another really kicks you in the gut at times. Come back to bite you real hard even when it comes to you in a dream, and you know it can’t hurt you ever again.

It is just a dream, and you tell yourself this, but sometimes it just stays in the back of your mind, and as days go by the memories come back to haunt you all over again. This has been going on with me lately, dreams of the past, dragging me down again. I hate it, and just want it to all go away and leave me alone to live my life without the past seeping in through the cracks. But I am told that it is the way to continue to heal, and that didn’t make any sense to me. I thought I was healed, I thought I had finished with all the ugly shit that had taken hold of me years ago like a constrictor squeezing me tight, squeezing the life out of me. Now it’s back? Sure doesn't feel like healing to me, but talking with other advocates who are fabulous friends of mine, Michal, Trish, Pat, Deb, Ebele, they all told me the same thing, we have to go through the bad crap at times in order to continue healing.

 I was getting so frustrated with myself I was ready to explode inside, because I hold it all inside when at home, so not to upset hubby. I felt I would be able to get over it in a few days like I always do, but this time not at all. It is hanging on clinging like a little child does who is afraid of something and won’t let go. I continued to hide how I felt to my friends, put on my happy face at work, and hoped no one would notice. But I was told by my friends online, that they could tell, something was eating away at me. I guess I’m not as good at hiding things, even when I try to seem cheery to everyone.

 Healing is not easy, and I think that we will all keep healing and never be completely healed. Triggers are always going to be there, and it depends on how we handle those triggers. We can get through them, and most of the time we will succeed, and continue on with our day to day lives, but as I found out, sometimes the monster grabs hold, and it is so hard to let go. We need to be gentle with ourselves, with our inner child, she/he is still hurting inside when these triggers, memories, dreams come knocking at our door, that little child in us becomes afraid again, and we have to be able to tell her/him that everything will be ok, but WE ourselves need to really believe that, because if we aren't honest with ourselves, how can we be honest to that little child inside of us.

 There is always hope, hope gives us something to grab onto. Hope is that courage to fight, fight those demons that want to still control us, but we are survivors/warriors, and we can now fight back, and move on with our lives. Hope is the belief we have in ourselves that we CAN move forward, we CAN tell our inner child that it IS going to be okay and they are safe, NO ONE CAN HURT US ANYMORE!!!

HOPE

Hope is God’s 

Unconditional love 

Whispering to you, 

To press forward 

Like the butterfly 

On their long 

Dauntless journey. 

Hope is courage 

Giving you the will 

To fight the depths 

Of your inner self, 

Freeing your mind 

Of any negativity 

Creeping slowly in. 

Hope transcends all 

Barriers that come 

Into your life, 

Giving you the reason 

To keep going, no time 

To waste on

 ~ I CAN’T ~ 

Hope is all the love 

That embraces you, 

From others who care, 

Bringing you a feeling 

Of overwhelming peace 

Calmness that helps 

Rejuvenate your spirit. 

Hope is perseverance 

Inspiration you give 

To others, relaying 

A message to 

Never give up 

No matter the obstacle, 

Michal and I will never lose Hope. 

Mary Graziano© 

March 19, 2014

Watercolour art and title "Hope"

By Michal Madison© “I will never lose Hope” by Michal Madison www.MichalMadisonArt.com/galleries.html