Never allow anyone to take away your individuality. Be proud of who you are. Never hide the real you. You are unique, you are yourself for a reason. Love that about yourself.

SOAR WITH POSITIVITY

How often do we feel negatives more than positives within our lives?  Too often!!! I can honestly say for myself that l was always negative.  Never thinking I could achieve what I wanted to do.  So many years past by, stuck, feeling down.  Changes can happen.  Through much therapy, help with my depression, I learned how to be more positive in my life decisions.  

We can only do this..no one can make us change, they CAN give us the tools to help us achieve what we want out of life, but it is up to each of us to really want it.  The past is the past, don’t look back, look forward. Look at what you can do, what you want to do.The years fly by, and if you stay stuck in the negative, you will never know what you can and can’t do.  Don’t let others keep you down.  Believe in yourself, you CAN do anything you set your mind to.  Believe in the power of POSITIVITY!!!  mg..©2016

Nightmares

By Mary E Graziano on Saturday, December 15, 2012 at 6:15pm

NIGHTMARES

As survivors of childhood abuse, we often think that we are now free from our nightmares.  How so very wrong this is.  WE can go along for a long time and think that we are "nightmare  free", then all of a sudden, we go to bed, fall asleep and it starts  all over again.  It feels so wrong, so crippling.  We are caught by the demons of the night.  Abusing us all over again, we can't struggle to free ourselves, we are in it for the duration of the horrible nightmare, we can't escape, the demons have won.

     These nightmares are so very real, grabbing hold of our very being our very soul, reliving the past, the abuser again sabotaged our lives.  When we awake, we are frightened, we are feeling trapped again crying out for help, to be rid of the demons that destroyed us once before and are now trying to destroy us again,
little by little, piece by piece.

     I had these nightmares two nights in a row.  Last night I chose to stay awake because I was afraid of the consequences of what might happen.  I didn't want to face the demons of the night again and couldn't let them win again.  

     Why do we let them control us?  Even in our sleep?  We need to take a deep look inside ourselves, and help ourselves to realize that "it's just a nightmare, it can't hurt us."  Oh how many times I have said that to a victim and survivor.  We can't let the demons control our lives day in and day out.

     Looking deep into myself, I need to tell myself I am not that little girl any more, he can't control me now.  That little girl is all grown up.  Tell my inner child that we are now one, that together we are stronger than the demons, that we have the say as to who controls our body, our mind.  It is up to us.  By doing this we can become strong, we will see that the demons can't hurt us any more.  I was devastated that I had these nightmares.  I didn't think as a survivor that I would have these nightmares again and again, that they were gone never to return.  

     Even as a survivor we are still healing, still climbing to the top of that mountain.  We will struggle with different aspects of our abuse, but we have the control now, not the demons that try and overtake our nights.  I realize now how wrong I  was, to put myself down, that I wasn't strong enough to face these nightmares, but I am strong enough, I have the control, just didn't see it.  At the time my inner self and I are one.  Together we can stand tall, we have the control.

written by Mary Graziano
Sept. 2012

I wrote this when I was in the first stages of my healing journey many years ago on my here on my blog but I am now healed, and post this for those in their healing journey in hopes it helps them. <3 span="">

The Mirror

The mirror is my enemy when I look inside I see,
a little girl who is so lost
tears well up in me.
She looks so frightened, so very sad,
I can’t reach out or touch.
It’s just too hard to look at her,
the memories are just too much!!
I know she needs my guidance,
she reminds me of all my fears.
Hate I see, inside her eyes
she sheds so many tears!!
I walk away. I leave her,
can’t bear to see her cry.
I try so hard to block it out,
There's just too many tears to dry.
As I turn, I look back into the mirror
my adult self I see.
So many thoughts remembered,
Oh, how they envelop me!!
If I could smash that mirror,
that little girl, would disappear.
But then she would be trapped inside. 

Lost for eternity. 

 I turn around to look at her 

 my little self how sadness prevails, 

 I can't leave her fears locked up inside.

 Can't bear it, she looks so frail!!

Prose by Mary Graziano© Revised June 7, 2016

YOU CAN BECOME A SURVIVOR!!

April 4, 2016 Mary Encouragement for Survivors of Abuse, Uncategorized

     Many of us have come a long way in our healing journey.  It has been a difficult rough road, with many twists and turns.  We persevered. Pushed through the debris, per say. Had many setbacks along the way.  In the beginning, we never thought we could make it. Thought of giving up. Why? Because if was easier to give up than pursue what was waiting for us at the end of the rainbow.  We cried, were depressed.  So many things filled our heads.  Questioning our own inner self. Self doubts, hating who we were. Telling ourselves we deserved what happened.  We must have asked for it or was a horrible child.  Feeling worthless inside ourselves. We held our secret in a vault deep inside our being. So no-one would ever find out our “dark secret.”  Maybe your abuser told you if you told he would hurt you even worse. He/she would kill everyone in the family.  By saying that, he/she knew you would keep the secret.  As a small child, you were scared, so scared. You kept quiet.

A small child. We were.  Alone. No-one to turn to. Feeling dirty.  Ashamed. This very secret burning in the bit of our stomach.  Everyday, we were left wondering when he/she would strike again.  When the hitting would start!! When the sexual abuse would begin, hurting us so badly.  Not understanding what was happening.  So many nights our pillows stained. Tears spewing down our faces. Knowing any moment that door would slowly open, the haunting figure of a monster would stand in the doorway.  For me, that was my fear.  I would pretend to sleep, covers pulled up close to me, hanging on to them for dear life.  Did that stop him?  No, he was strong, large hands, pulling the sheets down, reaching for me……So many of us have faced the same thing. 

We were not bad.  We were children.  Innocent. Wishing our lives were different.  To be happy, well adjusted. That was not our destiny.  For some reason, we had to live through a life of horror.  Our world belonged to our abuser.  Not able to fight back. We dissociated, thinking of a happy place, where we were free, laughing, playing, Parents who loved us unconditionally.  

We were crushed.  Beyond hope.  For those who believe. Praying to Our Creator. To release us from the bonds of abuse.  I know I prayed many times.  Never heard from God. As I got older I lost my faith and believed I must have deserved it, that our Creator abandoned me.  

   As we grew into adults, we led our lives.  Some may have taken the low road, drinking, becoming promiscuous, taking drugs etc.  Others, like myself held it deep inside.  Letting it fester like a volcano ready to explode at any time..And it did.  I finally had to let it out. That was the beginning of my healing.  I realized, I wasn’t a bad person.  I never deserved it, none of it from either parent.  The sexual abuse was not my fault. I am a good person. These are the words that help us heal.  Our abuser has no control over us any longer. We can say NO to abuse!!!  Therapy a God send.  You need to find a therapist that is right for you.  It may take many attempts to finding the one who understands what you have/are going through.  Never give up, keep searching.  Interview them.  There is one out there just right for you.  There are many different types of therapy. The 12 Step Program, has helped so many survivors.  I wish I had known about that 20 years ago, but…..

     I was lucky to have a wonderful therapist named Cheryl, who understood all I went through.  I was with her for 17 years.  The day I went in for my appointment, she said to me, “I don’t think you need my help anymore. By what you tell me and what I read on your blog, you have finally gotten your wings.  You are helping others.”  I had shown Cheryl my blog, where I first started writing about my abuse with poetry.  Little did I even think that my poetry would help others in their own healing.  It was deep dark poetry about what I went through at that time in my life.  Now I write inspirational posts, to let others know they need to be more positive.  Cheryl shares my blog with her clients, for them to read and know that they are not alone.

     Having a support system is something that will get you through. Either your spouse, or a close friend.  Someone you can trust. When I finally told my husband, he stood beside me all the way, never once doubting what I said to him. He didn’t want the details.  He believed me one hundred percent. Never doubting. 

     As you go through your recovery from abuse, have a mindset of positives. Leave the negatives behind.  Know that there is a rainbow out there waiting for you to reach it.  It takes time, but it will happen.  Tell your inner child that she/he is loved.  Is safe. Play with your inner child.  Colour with them.  Read stories to them.  Do things that you as a child were never able to do.  Your inner child will begin to trust you, will realize that they an come out from the deep abyss. Not needing to hide away any longer.  The monster who destroyed their self esteem/your self esteem is not longer able to hold you prisoner in his/her lies and deceits.  

     So many sexual abuse survivors have shared so many similarities.  Know that you are not alone. We share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings.  That’s why it’s so important to change your mindset, be more positive as you take your healing steps.  You are worth it!!!Don’t ever let anyone make you doubt that.  One thing that I realized just within the past few years is that our Creator never left me.  He was always there, I just never heard him.  I chose to ignore.  Creator loves us, and would never abandon us even in our darkest times.  There is a reason for everything, even the worst of what we went through.  I think for me going through what I did, brought me to where I am today. Helping others with my writing. Inspiring others with positives, uplifting them to believing they too can move forward, leave the past behind.  Our past is just that the past. We don’t live there any more.                   BELIEVE. HOPE. DREAM

BELIEVE

Believe in HOPE.                                                                                                                               Hope is courage.                                                                                                                                   Giving you will.                                                                                                                                       To fight the depths.                                                                                                                               Of your inner self.                                                                                                                       Freeing your mind.                                                                                                                                 Of any negativity.                                                                                                                                 Slowly creeping in.                                                                                                                         Believe in DREAMS.                                                                                                                   Dreams take you.                                                                                                                                     To another place.                                                                                                                               Brings hope.                                                                                                                                             For a better tomorrow.                                                                                                                     Reach for your dreams.                                                                                                                     It’s possible.                                                                                                                                               To accomplish whatever.                                                                                                                   You set your mind to.                                                                                                                         Never give up.                                                                                                                                 Simply.                                                                                                                                           BELIEVE!!!

Prose/watercolour by                                                                                                                         Mary Graziano                                                                                                                           Copyrighted April 4, 2016

A Broken Child!!!

ONE SMALL CHILD

Mary GrazianosharedMichal Madison Art's photo.

Published by Mary E Graziano · November 20 at 9:00pm · 

ONE SMALL CHILD

Important I am.
In this sweet child’s life.
Watching her grow. 
Moving forward.
Absorbing positives.
Flowing her way.
Encouraging words.
Helping to mold her life.
To expand horizons.
Build confidence.
Unleashing potential.
To help growth.
Letting her know.
Her life has meaning.
Purpose. To follow.
Every dream imaginable.
Able am I.
To share such joy.
When that one day.
Truly comes.
A child thrives.
By profound influences.
Given them.
No put downs.
No judgement.
Only kindness.
Encouragement.
Helping to wipe a tear.
To be assuring.
Loving. Caring. Proud.
My heart warms.
Seeing her
Eyes of emerald green.
Emanate with Love.
Trust. Faith.
My actions.
My words.
Important.
In the eyes.
Of one.
Small child.

Prose by Mary Graziano©2015
Revised November 20, 2015

Beautiful watercolour painting
Title “One Small Child”
By my wonderful, artistic friend
Michal Madison©2015
www.MichalMadisonArt.com

Michal Madison ArtApril 29 · Edited · "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."

Forest E. Witcraft

"One Small Child"
watercolor by Michal Madison ©2015
www.MichalMadisonArt.com
Thank you for sharing!~mm

LIFE IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER

Forgiveness: Do you really have to forgive?  It's an individual choice

Tuesday of this week I was dropping my daughter and her family off at the "Go Station." On the way back I had to pass by the cemetery where my mother is buried at her mother and father's grave site. I haven't been there for a long time and wasn't planning on making a stop. As I was approaching the cemetery, I heard a voice inside me saying "Go in." I thought no, I don't want to go in, and was going to keep going.  Again, I heard "Go in."  With a deep sigh, I thought "fine" and drove into the cemetery.  I couldn't find the plot the first time, and thought "oh well" and was going to drive out and go home. Well that wasn't happening.  Again I heard a voice say, "turn around" I turned my car around and drove down the road, and there was the plot.  I sat in my car for a while, thinking, and looking at the headstone on my Grandma's grave.  I thought, "well I'll go talk to my grandma, she always makes me feel good."  
My grandma loved me and I love her so much and still miss her to this day. She has been gone now about 40 years.  She was the one who always hugged me, would tell me she loved me.  Really cared. How I wished I heard those words from my mother.
I started clearing away the weeds which weren't too bad, and talking to my grandma, telling her how much I missed her and would be back to clean the angel on her headstone.  I went to my mother's marker cleared away some of the dirt that hid the cross and said to her, "if only you knew what dad and your cousin did to me.  Why couldn't you ever tell me you loved me? Why did you only yell, hit, curse at me. I didn't do anything bad to you but you chose not to show your good feelings to me."  I started to cry, and at that moment forgave my mother for all the things she did to me and didn't do for me.  It even shocked me to say out loud the words, "Mom I forgive you."  I had never wanted to forgive her.  I was able to move forward in my healing journey, became a survivor/thriver, and lived my life my way with the support of my husband and family.  Forgiving was never in the equation.
When I returned to the car, I sat and thought, "Our Creator wanted me to come in here, his voice was the voice I heard.  It may sound crazy, but I truly believe this to be the case.  I had no desire to go into the cemetery that day, but our Creator had other plans for me.  I never felt any incredible joy or feel a weight lifted, by forgiving her, but in a sense I feel that by forgiving my heart feels compassion for her. Something I never felt before.  
God does work in ways we may not understand at times.  Now whether I forgive my dad and mother's cousin, I don't know. If it is to be then it will happen otherwise, I can move forward, help others by writing my blog posts, writing my prose, hoping someone will feel better and understand themselves a little ore by what I write and that they can move forward and can heal from abuse.  
Mary Graziano 
copyrighted 2015

Global Pop Up Art Project 3

To Judge a Person

FIND YOUR COURAGE

THE COURAGE TO SAY "I CAN"

                           FIND THE STRENGTH

Mary Graziano shared Michal Madison Art

JOY UNTOUCHED BY CIRCUMSTANCES

Her spirit so captivating, drawing you in
with her brown/blackish eyes
cheeks that glow ~ beaming with so much
love, hope, warming the hearts
of many she meets
a life so simple, yet perfect to her
knowing what she feels inside herself
is what really matters ~ tattered clothes
~ unimportant
a smile glowing with contentment, unaware
how others feel ~ that her life has so many
hardships, nothing to show;  joy should
not be an option
her optimism can be felt, even under
the hardest circumstances, pulling at your
heart ~ your soul
she feels  elation no matter what
spills into her life, to her, joy prevails
over any misfortunes, her ability
to be happy ~ her choice,
it’s up to her
to create a life
where ~
“her simple joy untouched by circumstances”

Poetry by Mary Graziano ©
"Joy Untouched by Circumstances"
watercolor painting by Michal Madison
©2014 www.MichalMadisonArt.com
Vulnerable Expressions of Raw Emotion

THROWING PAINT

Life is a great big canvas.

Throw all your insecurities.

Fears.  Hurts.

Allowing all to spill out. 

Splashing that canvas.

With your life’s puzzle pieces.

Life is a book. 

Each chapter revealing more. 

Of who you are.

Unlock all your self-doubts.  

Release them. Don’t be afraid. 

Never ever. Hold back.
Let all your negatives. 

Fill the canvas.
Each erasing the other.
One by one.  

The puzzle pieces of your life. 

Will begin to fit.
Joy.  Hope.  Courage.  

Begin to flow.
Let the colours soak in. 

Dry. To always be a reminder.

Of all the uncertainties. 

That once filled every chapter. 

Any doubts you had.
Now.  Finally.  Conquered!!
You sense achievement.

Hues. Now bright.
Your own masterpiece.

Bringing a smile. 

Taking away any cloudiness. 

That once enveloped you.

Positives now surround you.

Feeling more secure in yourself.

The fears. Hurts. Become less.

Satisfied.  You put the canvas away.

But.  Leave it within your reach. 

For days.  When life. 

Needs another reminder.

Prose by Mary Graziano©2014

Revised October 3, 2015       ©

Beautiful Watercolour painting & Title
“THROWING PAINT” By
My wonderful friend Michal Madison ©
www.MichalMadisonArt.com
Vulnerable Expression of Raw Emotions